Never Alone

For years I suffered and grieved silently as we fought to become parents. There was a breaking point when I realized that it wasn't healthy for me to keep going like that. God didn't mean for us to go through pain alone. Three or so years ago I found comfort and healing in writing about our journey and I promised myself I wouldn't stop with our adoption journey.

When I started to realize that things might not go as planned I started to wish I hadn't been so open about our planning and excitement. Sharing that part of our journey so publicly meant that I couldn't hide the grief from everyone around me. One of the first things I said to Chris was when we are ready to start again and when we are blessed to be matched again, I won't be be so open publicly.

Then the messages started pouring in. I have lost count of them but there was a common theme amongst many of them outside of sorrow for our situation - there was gratitude and thanksgiving. I never imagined that my simple musings about our journey had been pouring such hope and healing into others. There have also been other countless messages of HOPE from my sisters who have walked in our shoes and experienced the heartbreak of a failed adoption.

36 hours later I am so thankful we aren't walking through this grief alone. Chris and I have been overwhelmed by the love and support that has been poured over us. All the messages, phone calls, meals, flowers and wine (you know us well) has been a lifesaver. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for continuing to pray over the girls and their mom. Thank you for giving us grace and space as we figure out how move on.

Right now I don't know exactly where we go from here, but I do know it is forward. And it won't be alone. As one of my sweet sisters said to Chris and I yesterday "We are here for the long haul. Even if we have to take this journey 10 more times, Baby Martin is out there and we are going to bring them home!"

When Yes Becomes No

It is with great sadness and broken hearts that we post the last MarTwins update. Tonight we found out that our expectant momma has decided parent the girls. We don't know much as we found out via a Facebook post, but they both look so healthy and precious.

And as heartbroken as we are that we will not be parenting these precious babies, we went into this journey knowing that this was part of adoption. We promised each other that we would jump in with both feet and surround our expectant momma and her babies with love and prayers. We (and our amazing village) did just that. For nearly 5 months they have been covered in prayer by hundreds of complete strangers and we were able to help support her in one of her greatest times of need.

Even though Chris and I said we would fight and pray for the girls till the end, we both have known in our hearts for a few days that something had changed. We tried to hold on to any little thing, but something had changed. We just didn't have confirmation. As much as we hurt right now, we know God has a plan for us to be parents in His time. We don't regret one bit of how we have traveled this part of the journey. From planning without hesitation, to openly sharing the ups and downs - we regret none of it.

Now is the time for us to step back and grieve. We don't know what our journey looks like from here, but we are going to hold close to God's promise that our time is coming. Please continue to keep the girls and their mom in your prayers as she takes on her new normal. And please keep us and our family in your prayers as we begin to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts and pray for guidance on how to move forward.

Romans 8:18

We have reached the point in our journey where I have muttered more than once that I wish I wouldn't have been so open and transparent about things. I immediately regret that feeling because without that transparency we wouldn't be in this moment right now. Our friends and family, near and far, have been a true Godsend for us as we have traveled this road. We truly couldn't be here without y'all.

With that said, now is the time that I need to ask for grace and little space for our family. As you know our expectant momma didn't deliver on the date she was originally told. For the last week everyone has been in a holding pattern. We all had plans and God reminded us once again that this journey was in His time, not ours.

We are treading in unknown waters and it is scary, but we are remaining faithful even though some days fear tries to get the best of us. I promise as soon as we know something and have news to share we will. But for now please understand if we can't handle talking through things without crying or if just don't want to answer another question. In this moment the answer is "We don't really know anything other than we are giving it to God."

Keep surrounding our expectant momma and her girls (and us) in prayer. Pray God protects all three of them and keeps them healthy. Pray that at the end of the day, God's will for those precious babies is done. Even if that means they aren't meant for our family. And lastly please don't read into any of this. As far as we know nothing has changed except the timeline.

Thankful Reflection

This time last year at Party on the Patio, as rain poured down in buckets around us and we drank our second (or third?) margaritas -a conversation that changed everything took place. I will never forget how it started - "I want to ask you something and I don't want you to say no!"  Then she proceeded to tell me how she wanted to do some sort of fundraiser to help us with our adoption journey.

Just days before this Chris and I had talked about how we were going to have to humble ourselves and accept the help from others. We couldn't take this journey alone - financially, emotionally or spiritually. Saying yes to my dear friend that night has allowed so many doors to be opened for us on this journey. It was fitting that while I am struggling with the wait and unknown I was brought back to that moment one year ago.

We wouldn't be where we are without our friends and family, but we really couldn't without Amy. She is always the first to ask "What can we do?" or "How can I pray for you?" Tonight I am thankful for the chain of events that lead us to each other. I am thankful for a friend who has helped push me out of my comfort zones - spiritually, emotionally and physically. We couldn't have made it to this moment without her.

God's Guiding Hand

If I walk away from today with one absolute it is that God's hand is guiding this journey. Many days I try to throw myself into work projects and not think about all the what if's and how hard waiting it.

Today that wasn't an option and it was really tough.

I am thankful for the people He has placed in our lives who continue to walk this journey with us. I am especially thankful for the times He uses others to lift up and encourage us. If you ever have that feeling that God has laid something on your heart to share with someone else - don't ignore it - it is happening for a reason! Tonight I am especially thankful for friends who didn't ignore that nagging feeling on their hearts and the peace the words they had to share offered.

Prayerful Fast

Tomorrow Chris and I will be doing a prayerful day of fasting. We would like to invite our friends and family to join alongside of us throughout the day on praying for our expectant mom and her girls.

It is a long story, but we no longer have a definitive timeline for delivery and we probably won't have one. Because of that and other factors we are praying for God's protection for her and the girls. Praying that they all remain healthy and that when the time comes, the birth is without complication. And lastly in these last days of waiting, we pray for strength and grace for everyone involved.

His Timing, Not Ours

These lyrics have been playing through my head all day and now I know why. I know many of you are stalking our page for MarTwin updates. We had originally been told that May 4th would be the longest she would allowed go, but the doctor she saw at the clinic today disagreed.

Without going into details there are a lot of unknowns in our timeline right now. It is frustrating as our precious expectant momma is in a lot of pain and discomfort from various complications. Oh and just the normal things that go with being nearly 37 weeks pregnant with twins.

The Martin’s are planners and you would think by this time in our nearly 7 year journey we would know better than to make our own plans. Sure enough we have planned and focused for this week and once again God has reminded us that this is HIS timing, not ours. So for now we continue to pray feverishly for our expectant momma and her girls. And even in moments when we feel weak we will force ourselves to be still and know that He has this.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Standing in the living room, talking to Mr. Martin, I could hear Bryn singing something in the other room. I quietly walked back to the nursery and found her singing nursery rhymes from a book my momma got the girls for Easter. Moments later she looked up and said "I'm practicing for when I help watch Parker and Peyton!"

The love she already has for the girls melts my heart. How she has been so open and candid trying to understand adoption has been amazing. And her love and concern for their first mom and her feelings is incredible. I love experiencing this journey through the eyes of a 6 year old. It is also a little scary, because in the moments when anxiety is high and allow my joy to be stolen - I start to panic. What if our precious expectant momma changes her mind? While my heart will be shattered in a million pieces, how do we tell Bryn?

As amazing as it has been to experience the joys of this journey through her eyes, I'm not sure my heart could ever be prepared for the heartbreak that could be. But then I think back to a conversation we had in the car a few weeks back about the girls "tummy mommy" and I smile. That day she asked hard questions and I answered. Including talking about that she could change her mind. She commented that it would be so sad for all of us, but that their tummy mommy wouldn't have to be sad anymore. Sometimes I think we take for granted how much kiddos just get things. Even really hard, complex things. And while I hope and pray that our journey plays out as planned, I am comforted by the candid and heartfelt words of my little unicorn princess, partner in crime!

Be Still and Know

We are over half way through April and the days are ticking by so slowly. We are taking advantage of spontaneous weekday date nights. Letting the boys live it up as rulers of the roost. I have re-organized the closet and drawers in the nursery more times than I can count. And every night I find myself counting onesies, blankets and burp clothes to make sure we have enough. Basically we (okay mostly me) struggle at the being still part. But as the wait continues on our faith is in Him.

We Love You Right Up to the Moon and Back

Tonight we learned that baby A  is 4lbs 3oz and baby B  is 4lbs 7oz! God is oh so good!  The girls are growing so big and strong!

Please continue to join us in praying for their mom. The count down is on for their debut and the moment she commits the most selfless act of love imaginable. Although I can never fathom the emotions she is and will go through, I am praying she feels the prayers and love of our village.

As we have said from day one, nothing is final with adoption till it is final. So if you catch me spontaneously crying (or eating ice cream for lunch) over the coming days. Please don't judge. My heart is in a constant state of joy, while breaking in a million pieces all at the same time. It is the strangest experience. But no matter what - our world is about to turn upside down very soon.

Waiting Continues

{Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalms 27:14}

There is that word again - wait. There has been so much waiting in our journey and I am realizing the last bit of waiting is going to prove to be the hardest of all. But tonight as a stare into the nursery I am brought to tears. Extremely happy and thankful tears. It is amazing to me how over the last 9 months a room that used to bring me so much pain has become a place of hope and love.

In these final days/weeks of waiting we are reminded more and more that we have no idea how this story will end. That is terrifying. But we are also reminded that God is in control and that He has brought us to this point of our journey for a reason. We aren't the same people we were 7 years ago. We aren't the same people we were 7 months ago.

Tonight I am so thankful for the work God has done on our hearts to prepare us for these moments. Adoption is amazing and beautiful, but it is also messy and hard. Allie and Kipper of 7 years ago couldn't have walked this path. Our hearts, and truth be told, our faith weren't ready. As hard as all the waiting and roadblocks have been, tonight I am incredibly thankful for it all. Someday, God willing, I hope to be able to tell the girls the story of their adoption. How God tested and strengthened our faith. How our village stood up and said "You aren't doing this alone!" And how every obstacle life has thrown our way on this journey strengthened our marriage and prepared our hearts for the moment they came into our lives.

But for now, we patiently wait.

More Awesome Than Sprinkles and Unicorns Combined

Today my  amazing work family showered the girls both with so much love in a beautiful unicorn themed celebration. No detail was left undone. This hopeful Momma to Be was also reminded that she is an event planner to the core and loves to celebrate others, but feels slightly awkward when the spotlight is on her. I am shocked I didn't cry through the whole dang thing because I get so excited/emotional thinking about the two of you.

While you couldn't be there sweet ones, today was ALL about the two of you! I can't wait for you to get here and meet the village of people who already love you so much. They have prayed, cried and celebrated alongside of us for the last 3.5 years. Everyday I am reminded that when I came to P1 I gained so much more than amazing job, but friends who have truly become family. And while we are all anxiously awaiting your debut, keep growing sweet girls! 

Emotions of the Wait

{Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7}

You would think by now we would be masters of patience and waiting. But here I sit; my heart beating like a drum, my mind racing and tears streaming down my cheeks. I imagine there will be several moments like this over the coming weeks. I find myself getting caught up in the details of what is left to do before the girls are born and then it hits me like a sack of rocks.

In all our joy and planning, just across the metroplex is a momma whose heart is breaking. Everyday she feels the sweet kicks of those baby girls and questions if she is making the right decision. Each day we inch closer to our dreams coming true, she is closer to having to face the most difficult decision of her life. Knowing that my dream of motherhood hinges on someone else's pain and suffering isn't an easy pill to swallow.

So often I wish I could just hug her and tell her she isn't alone. Reassure her that the girls will never go a day without knowing how incredible she is or how much she loves them. And I pray that in those moments when she is hurting and scared, she feels the prayers we wrapping her and her family in.

Planning Begins!

Wait!?! We need all these things on the list??

We thought we had a pretty good grasp on what we needed in order to bring 1 baby home, but 2 was another story.  I'm pretty sure registering for twins falls into the extremely stressful and overwhelming category for an OCD, researchaholic, NICU nurse Daddy to be! And maybe just little bit for Mommy to be too.

Half Marathon #12

Half Marathon #12 is in the books. I went into today knowing this race would be just as tough physically as it would be mentally given my sub-par training. I had accepted my season and was just going to have fun with my running tribe. All things considered it was pretty great race mentally and physically I felt really good until about Mile 11. Mile 12 I realized I missed a nutrition intake, but at that point the damage was done. 

When things got hard I spent those miles thinking about Parker, Peyton and their brave momma. I thought about how sometime in the next 8 weeks 1 phone call will change our lives forever. And in a brief moment when I wanted to quit, I thought about the lessons I hope to one day teach our precious girls - not just through my words, but my actions. Recovery has been a little rough today, but I'm still smiling. I am thankful for the ability to run, for a crazy supportive husband, that I got to run along side some of my very best friends and watched as one of them set nearly a 20 minute PR! 5 years of distance running and can't wait to see what adventures are to come! 

A Goal Without A Plan Is Just A Wish

Well I had a plan when my training started. Having a plan and following it are two different things. So now that we are a week out I'm going to wish for an amazing race. But truth be told I just want to have a good time with my girlfriends and finish upright.

We've Been Matched!

With grateful and humble hearts, we are so excited to share some really big news. We have been matched with an expectant Momma who is expecting TWIN GIRLS!

While nothing with adoption is final until after birth, if all goes to plan Parker Mackenzie and Peyton Ann will be joining our family sometime in April. Please join us in praying for this precious Momma and her baby girls.

Adoption is a Marathon, Not a Sprint

A dear friend reminded me tonight that our adoption journey is a marathon, not a sprint. Tonight reminds me a lot of mile 16 of when I ran the full marathon at Cowtown. I was devastated because nothing was going my way that day. At that point I was crying so hard I could barely see through my salty tears. Yet I kept moving. It was slow. It was hard. It was painful. But it wasn't the end. It was also one of the most memorable,and in an odd way, cherished moments of that race.

So today didn't go as planned, but this not the end - it is just a little rain delay. And led to an unplanned date night with Mr. Martin. Choose joy always!

Miles for our Future Birth Mom

Snuggled up on the couch with Gulliver, the last thing I wanted to do today was run. Yet the Cowtown Half Marathon is inching closer and snuggling on the couch won't get my butt up and over the Main Street bridge. Today's miles were dedicated to our future Birth Mom. If she can make the most selfless decisions any woman could ever be faced with - I can run in the cold, wet mist. That might sound dramatic, but it pushed me. I spent over 6 miles thinking about about her and praying for her. And in turn it was the fastest pace I have run in almost a year. Good prayers and fast miles - I'll take it!

Blown Away

Stepping out in faith and being so open about our journey to parenthood has been really scary at times. But God and our village never fail to show up and wrap us in love and support. Today was no exception. In the first 24 hours our adoption profile has been shared over 100 times!

Thank you for loving us. Thank you for believing in us. Thank you for praying for our future birth mother and us. And thank you for helping spread the word. My heart is bursting with joy and thanksgiving!
Keep sharing and keep praying that the right birth Momma see our profile at just the right time.

www.adoptionjourneytobabymartin.com

Dear Baby Martin: Aunts and Uncles

Dear Baby Martin:

We have no idea when we will meet you. We have no idea if you are already growing in your Mommy's tummy or not. One thing we do know, without a doubt, is that you are going hit the jackpot in the Aunt and Uncle department.

We think they are almost as excited as we are for the day they finally get to meet you. They have supported us in so many ways from hosting a fundraiser, to surprising your Momma with your crib for her birthday, to praying alongside us since we told them our plans to adopt. Just today your Aunt Amy W. surprised us with this sweet rocking unicorn for your room.

We can't wait till you are here and old enough to ride it. Your cousin, Bryn, is all ready to show you how to ride your own magical unicorn among many other things. (We are pretty sure she has running list of things she wants to teach you!) But until the day we meet your Mommy and ultimately get to meet you, we will all keep praying for you both.

All our love,

Momma and Daddy Martin