Sunday, May 11, 2014

The Other Side of Mother's Day

Disclaimer: This is one of those posts I have struggled to decide if I should share or just keep it private, but I knew I needed to put my thoughts down.  In the end I decided to share because I promised myself I would be open about our journey and this is a part of it. And even when I feel very vulnerable for sharing, I am reminded of the wonderful support group that has grown from me being open about our journey to parenthood. 

Growing up I loved Mother's Day. I got to buy or make cards and gifts for my mom, grandmothers and aunts. We got dressed up and would eat together as a family. As I got older some traditions changed but I still enjoyed celebrating the women in my life, one day really isn't enough. 

After I got married I celebrated Mother's Day as a fur mom and always looked forward to it. But as we started trying to have a baby I suddenly started to hate Mother's Day. Even though I felt very blessed to have my sweet fur babies and wanted to be happy, I couldn't shake the feeling.  

Social media has made it even worse. Seeing all of my friends with their newborns and children, the few that reserve their pregnancy announcements for that day, all the husbands praising their wives for being wonderful mothers, parents of friends talking about how blessed they were for their grandchildren. All of those things were like a knife through my heart, reminding me that the one thing I wanted still hadn't happened. That because I am only child my parents have yet to experience the joys of being grandparents in the traditional sense. (they are amazing grandparents to our fur babies!) It makes me relive so many moments of heartbreak that I wish I could block out of my mind forever. 

As much as it has hurt the last few years, I felt like I was in a better place emotionally with our journey this year so maybe it wouldn't hit me as hard. I was wrong.  It still hurt and I still cried. And honestly being the first year without Dutchess didn't help. 

I know I am not alone, there are so many others hurting today. Maybe their Mom is no longer with us. Maybe they are just waiting and praying for their time. Or they have known the joys of motherhood, but also the pain and sorrow of loss. Maybe their life isn't where they expected it to be and the chance of ever being a mother is slowly slipping away. Or they are reliving the moments they gave their child up for adoption or even worse. I can think of so many reasons today would be painful. 

I spent this weekend being thankful for the blessings I have and for those that I know are to come. We have a long road ahead of us in our journey to parenthood. It is going to be emotional and even painful at times. There is a chance that we will still be on our journey come next Mother's Day and if that is the case I am sure I will cry. 

There are so many unknowns before us but there is one thing I know for 100% certainty. One day our prayers will be answered. And when that day comes all the tears, financial strain, sleepless nights and pain will be worth it.  Everyday I just have to stay faithful, trust his plan and his timing, even on days like today.