Keeping The Faith And Growing In The Journey

Not long ago I was chatting with a friend who is currently dealing with infertility issues. Normally a bubbly and positive person, the entire situation is starting to take its toll. Not only on her, but her husband and their marriage as a whole. As we talked she made a comment about how she admired me for my strength and faithfulness though our journey. Listening to her tell it I sounded like a pretty amazing person, but I had to stop her before she could finish, because that person she was describing wasn't me.

While I have been pretty open about our journey and struggles, but at that moment I realized I sometimes sugar coat parts of it when outside my core confidants. And sometimes I even sugar coat it with them. If I am going to be open about this part of our life, I need to really be honest about it. Even when it isn't pretty.

Throughout this journey (5 years and counting) I have worked so hard to find peace in trusting God's plan for us. But the truth is this - I struggle in some way nearly every single day. NEARLY. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  

I still spontaneously cry. Sometimes it is just a tear or two, sometimes it is full on ugly cry out of nowhere. I have been flooded with anger and pain out of the blue.  I have avoided situations, like baby showers or holding an acquaintances baby, because at that moment it was too much for me. And then afterwards felt so much guilt, because I felt like I was being selfish.

Those moments have become less and less frequent over the last two years, but they are still there. They are still very real. Earlier this year was one of the worst times in a few years. I never planned to share it publicly. Heck, this is something I have only shared with 3 other people. But crazy as this will sound to most of you, the last few weeks I have had that nagging feeling that I am supposed to share my experience for the sake of someone who is going to read it. I hate these nagging feelings. They push me be so vulnerable and raw. Yet every time I have taken the leap of faith and listened to that little voice, I start to see the big picture and why sharing that part of my heart was important at that moment.

Two years ago my prayers changed drastically. They went from being focused on us getting pregnant and bringing a healthy baby into the world to simply allowing God's will for growing our family to be done in his time.  We knew we were being lead to adoption and we pray daily for our future birth mother and for God to prepare us for this next step. But all that said, I have never discounted the idea that miracles happen and the chance we could have a biological child through a God sized miracle was there.

My mind and heart are focused on adoption so it wasn't something I thought about often, but when my normally right on schedule period was nearly 3 weeks late you can imagine the thoughts that ran through my mind. For nearly 2 1/2 weeks I just waited for my period to start. I didn't say a word to anyone about it, not even Kipper.  I just waited. I didn't want to get my hopes up and I was terrified to take that test because I had been there so many times before. We were so close to starting our adoption journey so why was this happening now? Was this the miracle we had once prayed for?

For 3 weeks I stewed in my own thoughts, until one night I had the courage to finally open the test. Within moments I was reliving the same flood of emotions I had experienced more times than I care to recall. Once I pulled myself together, I decided there was no way I could tell Kipper right now. He was so stressed out over an upcoming exam and his workload.  I didn't want to burden or distract him from where his focus needed to be. And the truth be told, I couldn't handle seeing the sadness/disappointment in his big blue eyes.

Needless to say this wasn't what I should have done. If you know us at all, you know we have NO secrets. We share everything with each other. We have never successfully pulled of a surprise party for each other. And there is a reason we are such last minute Christmas shoppers when it comes to giving to each other. The fact I held this to myself was rare and awful. To make it worse, he knew something was up the whole time but couldn't figure it out.

I went another week and an unfortunate meltdown before I told him everything. I saw the sadness in his eyes I was hoping to avoid. But as I sat there bawling and attempting to apologize, I realized while he was experiencing  disappointment from the news I just shared, he was mostly sad that I tried to carry this burden alone.

It would be 2 more weeks until God presented me with a moment to confide in someone else, but I didn't take it. I brushed it off and made up a lame excuse for the reason I wasn't quite myself. I felt terrible about it.  I couldn't make the words come out of my mouth, but I just knew I was supposed to share this with her. Later that afternoon, through streams of tears, I wrote out one of the longest, rawest texts I have ever sent. My sweet friend's response spoke right to my heart and put everything into such perspective for me. I was thankful I stepped out of my comfort zone and shared it with her.

You would think after 5 years of walking this journey I know nothing good comes from trying to shield others from my pain and troubles. Just a few weeks ago I finally told on of my very best friends the whole story. I tried to explain that I didn't want to be that friend who had been crying about the same thing for 5 years. I didn't want to burden those who love me every time I struggled. Once again I was met with the words I needed to hear - You are not alone. We want to walk with you. We are invested in your dream too and are here to support you through it.

Through this experience I am reminded that each of us are an important part of the body of Christ. We are not meant to be alone in our struggles. We are not only meant to lay our troubles at His feet, but to allow those around us to help us walk through that storm together. That doesn't mean every person we know has to be privy to every trial and tribulation, but we should never allow ourselves to suffer alone. Satan knows my greatest weakness and by allowing myself to get lost in my own thoughts, instead of turning it over to God, he found a way in. When I am tired and my faith is weaker than it should be, others are there to help carry some of the burden and lift me up. Just as I would do for them.

Everyday I pray for peace and reassurance that we are following God's path for us. I know that he would never put the desires of being parents on our hearts like he has if it wasn't part of the plan, but simply knowing that doesn't always take the worldly struggle away completely. And while I would never wish our experiences and pain on my worst enemy, I am grateful for it. We are not the same people we were 5 years ago. I can't even begin to explain all the ways we have grown and changed for the better. Ultimately this journey has made us a stronger couple and in turn will make us much better parents. I can already look back and tell you why I am grateful for this recent experience.  This recent storm was the lesson I needed to ground and center myself before we take the next major leap.

I know adoption is an emotional roller coaster.  I know that there are going to be some challenging and emotional days ahead of us. And I know that I still can't tell you on paper how it will all work out. That used to really stress me out, but then I read this amazing book Rhinestone Jesus by one of my favorite bloggers, Kristen Welch. The entire book spoke to my heart but this one quote really stuck with me.

It was in reading those words any worry that we were not following God's plan for us washed away.   As we move forward, both Kipper and I both know that can't do this alone. Alone we don't have all the answers, resources, or funding.  As stubborn as we both are when it comes to asking for help, God has shown us that we have to humble ourselves. We have to allow those who love us to help us through this part of our journey.

If I am being honest, that terrified me. It was so out of my servants heart comfort zone. I am the one who is supposed to be helping and serving others. There are so many people who are far more deserving or in need of the blessings of others.  What if people judged us for asking for help?  What if when push came to shove we were left standing there alone? In my moments of panic, I could come up with all sorts of crazy.

But then I remember that quote and my way of thinking changes. What if there are people wanting to help us, but they don't know how because we have been too proud to ask? What if the only thing standing in our way of our God sized dream is getting out of our own way? What if our amazing community of friends and family helps makes our dream a reality?

Since truly humbling ourselves and openly admitting we need help, God has showed up in such a big way. It started with a dear friend approaching me (after a Joe T's marg I might add) about hosting a fundraiser for us. I still chuckle that the conversations started with "I want to ask you something and I don't want you to tell me no." It seems my friends know me pretty well. :)

Saying yes that night has not only led to some of my dearest friends coming together to plan a fundraiser to help grow our family, but other offers and generosity I could have never imagined. It still doesn't quite seem real to me that there are already so many others that are truly invested in our God sized dream. But it is real. Very, very real.  I just hope someday we will be able to pay it forward in a way that is just as meaningful as this is to us.

Threads of Hope: Our New Direction

Have you ever struggled to find the right words to explain your feelings but every time you try to communicate them the words never come? This has been me for the last month or so. Even when talking to my own husband, I struggled to find the words. It was so frustrating for me and I am pretty sure it has at times caused tension between the two of us. That is what I think I hate the most about these emotions.

Just when I had sort of given up hope, it happened. I was sound asleep and something woke me up. I don't remember what it was, everyone else in the house was fast asleep. It was like a light switch went off in my brain in the middle of a random night, suddenly the words were there. I laid in bed, tears streaming down my face as everything I had been struggling with suddenly made complete sense.

(You might want to grab some refreshments or run to the restroom, because this is going to be a long one!)

Imagine you decided to knit a blanket. Even though you don't work on it every day, it is always in the back of your mind. There are periods of time you are so focused on it you can't think clearly about anything else. Overtime you look back at what you have already completed, you begin to see areas of imperfection and other parts that are stitched it perfection. Imagine running your hands over each stitch, reliving all the joy, heartbreak, excitement and frustration you have experienced while making it.  More prayers and tears than you can recall have been stitched in, one by one. Yet no matter how much you want to finish your blanket you just keep going and going...for nearly 5 years.

Our struggle with infertility is a lot like that never ending blanket. And right now I am doing my best to hang on to it by a few threads. Threads of hope.

Earlier this summer it became clear that even though our insurance would help pay for some of the IVF treatment, we wouldn't be moving forward with it. After considering all the pros and cons, we decided the risks were too great. There would be multiple surgeries, concerns over the hormone injections required, and even with insurance a very significant cost for just one shot. Even though I was the one who essentially came to the conclusion first, it was really hard to say it out loud.

With that decision, the chances of me ever carrying a child (aside from a miracle from God) were over.  It was heart breaking to me but I almost feel like it was a relief to Kipper. You see, ever since I can remember he has always felt like we were supposed to adopt. When we first started talking about having a baby he wanted to talk about adoption.  I have always thought of adoption as a beautiful way to grow a family, but I wanted so badly to have a child on our own so I dismissed talk of anything else.  I am pretty sure this is a prime example of me wanting to follow my own plan when God had another one. We just took the long way around.

As excited as I was that we had made a decision on how to move forward. I have been overwhelmed. Adoption is an emotional roller coaster and I am going into this somewhat emotionally drained from our infertility experience. And then there is the fact that on paper, I have no clue how we will be able to afford it. Seriously, I have no idea and it terrifies me.

Kipper and I agreed that we would stick to the same plan with adoption as we had agreed on with IVF. We would get through October and his Half Ironman before we proceeded. It would give him the opportunity to focus and it would give me the time to research our options and just give my mind a rest.

But I have been struggling and couldn't figure out why. How is it possible to be so incredibly happy, yet sad at the same time?  There were even moments when I really thought about going back on an antidepressant. Maybe the help it would provide finally outweighed all the horrible side affects I fought so hard to get away from. But just when I was to my breaking point, my middle of the night epiphany made everything so clear.

I have been grieving. Mourning the loss of what most likely will never be. 

The excitement of telling family and friends. Morning sickness. Hearing the heartbeat for the first time. An ever expanding belly. The feeling of tiny kicks. Being surrounded by our loved ones as we find out the gender. The look on his face first time Kipper could feel them move. Swollen ankles and feet. Sonogram photos. Singing and talking to my belly. Doctors appointment. Back pain. Creating a birth plan. And as crazy as it sounds, even labor and giving birth. 

As I type these things out, I feel selfish for how I have felt. There are so many precious children in this world that are just waiting for a loving family and here I am having a pity party for myself. But I have dreamed of being pregnant and having a healthy baby for so long, this change in our plans has left me feeling like I have lost something. And until this week I had no idea that is what was really going on.

I am so thankful for this epiphany because it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can finally begin to emotionally and spiritually prepare myself for what is to come.

As we move forward in this journey, I ask for your continued prayers. Not only are we praying to grow our family in whatever way that may look like, we are also praying for on guidance on how to make adoption financially possible for our family. And once we step on the adoption roller coaster I know we will need lots love, support and understanding. You have no idea how much the prayers and support mean to us.

The Other Side of Mother's Day

Disclaimer: This is one of those posts I have struggled to decide if I should share or just keep it private, but I knew I needed to put my thoughts down.  In the end I decided to share because I promised myself I would be open about our journey and this is a part of it. And even when I feel very vulnerable for sharing, I am reminded of the wonderful support group that has grown from me being open about our journey to parenthood. 

Growing up I loved Mother's Day. I got to buy or make cards and gifts for my mom, grandmothers and aunts. We got dressed up and would eat together as a family. As I got older some traditions changed but I still enjoyed celebrating the women in my life, one day really isn't enough. 

After I got married I celebrated Mother's Day as a fur mom and always looked forward to it. But as we started trying to have a baby I suddenly started to hate Mother's Day. Even though I felt very blessed to have my sweet fur babies and wanted to be happy, I couldn't shake the feeling.  

Social media has made it even worse. Seeing all of my friends with their newborns and children, the few that reserve their pregnancy announcements for that day, all the husbands praising their wives for being wonderful mothers, parents of friends talking about how blessed they were for their grandchildren. All of those things were like a knife through my heart, reminding me that the one thing I wanted still hadn't happened. That because I am only child my parents have yet to experience the joys of being grandparents in the traditional sense. (they are amazing grandparents to our fur babies!) It makes me relive so many moments of heartbreak that I wish I could block out of my mind forever. 

As much as it has hurt the last few years, I felt like I was in a better place emotionally with our journey this year so maybe it wouldn't hit me as hard. I was wrong.  It still hurt and I still cried. And honestly being the first year without Dutchess didn't help. 

I know I am not alone, there are so many others hurting today. Maybe their Mom is no longer with us. Maybe they are just waiting and praying for their time. Or they have known the joys of motherhood, but also the pain and sorrow of loss. Maybe their life isn't where they expected it to be and the chance of ever being a mother is slowly slipping away. Or they are reliving the moments they gave their child up for adoption or even worse. I can think of so many reasons today would be painful. 

I spent this weekend being thankful for the blessings I have and for those that I know are to come. We have a long road ahead of us in our journey to parenthood. It is going to be emotional and even painful at times. There is a chance that we will still be on our journey come next Mother's Day and if that is the case I am sure I will cry. 

There are so many unknowns before us but there is one thing I know for 100% certainty. One day our prayers will be answered. And when that day comes all the tears, financial strain, sleepless nights and pain will be worth it.  Everyday I just have to stay faithful, trust his plan and his timing, even on days like today. 

Unanswered Prayers

It has been 2 months since my last real, published blog post.

In the past, typing the sentence would make me feel like a failure or slacker. This time it doesn't. A lot has been going on in the Martin household and with me personally. Some of these things just popped up, others have been building for months.  (And if we are going to be 100% honest, I was dealing with one of the worst spells of depression I have had since going totally med free a year ago.)  Yet through the darkness and worry, so many amazing things have happened. 

The last few weeks I have spent a lot of time thinking back over the past year and plans I had in store.  Only God had very different plans. I wanted more than anything to trust his plan and his timing, but it was a major struggle. At times I found myself angry and feeling helpless. I kept praying for the faith to trust his plan, but often found myself slipping into praying for him to please answer my unanswered prayers. 

The biggest of these was for us to get pregnant and have a healthy baby.  If you have ever tired to get pregnant and especially those who have struggled with infertility, you will understand what I am saying here. You want nothing more than to do what thousands of unwed teenagers do every week but for some reason it isn't happening. (if one more person told me to just get drunk and "do it" I might have hit someone!) You sob and get depressed when someone announces they are expecting, no matter how much you want to be happy for them. Whenever you are a day late you start to get your hopes up just a little bit, only for granny flow to send them crashing down into the gutter. And don't even get me started on how the news of Kim Kardashian being pregnant set me off. 

I started training for my first half marathon and really focused on channeling my energy in to that verses thinking about us not getting pregnant. I have said it before, but I truly have running to thank for saving me and for helping realign my relationship with God. Slowly but surely things started to get better. I was trusting his plan. I knew God wouldn't have put it on our hearts to be parents if it wasn't meant to be.

Fast forward a few months, we got some bad news on testing and I began to prepare myself to hear that it was the end of the road for us having a biological child because we knew we could never afford IVF. I was devastated at this thought but I did the only thing I knew to do - I prayed. I prayed that God would provide a way for us to become parents.  

The day before the doctors appointment we found out that as of October 1st Kipper's insurance would began covering IVF!! Trust his plan, he will provide. 

Looking back on this last year, I am thankful for those unanswered prayers. Kipper and I are not the same people we were a year ago. We had things we needed to experience, demons we needed to face, opportunities that we needed to take; that all were a very important part of our journey. This has been a year of tremendous growth in the Martin household. God has been helping prepare us for what he has to come and I can say without a doubt in my heart whatever it he has in store will be more amazing than anything I could every dream up.

I have been chomping at the bit to share with everyone our latest news and I will finally be able to do that tomorrow! Yea!!!! Stay tuned! (and no, it isn't a baby...)