Adventures In Germville

I started feeling crappy on Friday evening and then spent almost the entire day in bed on Saturday. I thought I was better so we went to dinner Saturday night and I prepared to achieve my biggest achievement in my running training on Sunday - 10 miles! (which I totally did and I couldn't be more proud of myself!!)

Then came Monday morning. I woke up feeling terrible. By lunch I felt a fever coming on but we had a  board meeting, the first with the new board members, so I had to stick it out. By the time I got home I was weak and had a high fever. It was official - I was sick. 

During the 2 days I spent in bed, I learned lots of fun things:

• Apparently I haven't seen every episode of Criminal Minds as previously thought. 
• Realizing the Hallmark Channels top advertisers are: Colonial Penn, AARP, Build-A-Bear, Hoover Vacuums and Viking River Tours. Needless to say, I am pretty sure I am NOT their target market. 
• Given the amount of commercial time, complications with pelvic mesh seem to rampant in our country. 
• Dutchess and Fenway could seriously sleep all day. Gulliver not so much. 
• Even though Gulliver wanted to get up and be active he won't bring you anything to drink (guess it is the whole, no opposable thumbs thing. Why else wouldn't he want to do that for his mommy?)
• Thanks to several infomercials I have learned, there is a good chance I suffer from PBA or Pseudobulbar affect. A medical condition characterized by sudden and uncontrollable episodes of crying or laughing. An episode of PBA can occur at any time, even in inappropriate social situations. 

Yet the best moment came when watching Toddlers and Tiaras with Kipper, making fun of all the crazy names people give their kids. We started talking about names we liked and didn't like for our future kids. After about 15 minutes or so the conversation turned...

     Me: If we have a little boy, let's name him "Batman"

 
     Kipper:  (stares at me and starts laughing) 

     Me:  Seriously, just think about him walking into kindergarten on his first day. "Hello. I am Batman!!" 

     Kipper:  (still laughing)  Yes that is awesome! 

     Me:  What would his middle name be? 

     Kipper:  Robin of course. 

     Me:  Really?? I think "Batman Robin Martin" is a little too much. 

     Kipper:  You think so?  I guess...

You know cause naming your child "Batman" isn't a little much on its own! lol! I love my husband and the fact that we can be silly together.  But for the record......

Blame It On The Bath Salts

Are you every in the middle of a conversation with someone and you have to stop and think "Are we really talking about this?"  Or even worse you have a really long detailed conversation with someone and afterward  are slightly freaked out you even had it? Welcome to the Martin Household. We have these conversations all the time. 

Just the other night Kipper and I wear sitting around talking as we waited on our dinner to be delivered. We were talking about this crazy zombie like, cannibal behavior that seems to be consuming the news the last week thanks whatever the heck "bath salts" really is. (This conversation is totally paraphrased but you can get the general idea.)

      Me: This is the problem with using drugs. When you murder someone you aren't with it enough to think everything through and that is how people get caught.

     Kipper:  okay.....

     Me: Really, if I wanted to murder someone I think I could totally get away with it. 

     Kipper:  (stares at me) 

     Me:  I have seen so many episodes of  Law and Order, Criminal Minds, Bones, Without a Trace etc. I know all the tricks that work and the ones that always backfire. 

     Kipper:  Well I was a cop for 7 years and I know that isn't how it works in real life. They are TV dramas. 

     Me:  Whatever.  

     Kipper:  Okay so if you were going to murder someone and you think you can get away with it, how would you do it? 

At this point we begin to run down my theoretical ideas and Kipper proceeds to point out wholes in my plan and what would work better. Then we pause for to get our dinner from the delivery guy...hoping he didn't hear anything before we answered the door, cause that would be awkward! Then back to the conversation.

    Me:  Okay so maybe I couldn't do it alone. But with your cop knowledge and my TV research we totally could do it together if we ever had to. 

     Kipper:  And why would we ever need to commit murder? 

     Me:  Good point, but just in case we have a pretty good start to a hypothetical plan.  

     Kipper:  Right...never mind the fact we both would have terrible guilt and would more than likely never go through with it and if by some chance we did we would end up turning ourselves in within 24/48 hours.  

     Me:  True. 

     Kipper:  And to make it worse it is breaking one of the commandments. God doesn't really like when you do those things.... 

     Me:  Another very good point. 

     Kipper:  And let's not forget you can't handle the sight of blood very well. 


     Me: Yea, we can pretty much never commit murder. Forgot I said anything. 

     Kipper:  That is what I thought. 

So everyone should feel safer knowing that the Martin's will never be committing murder. (unless you count all the plants I have killed since getting married...if you those count I am in real trouble!)  

And to make myself feel better about the fact that we had this crazy conversation I am blaming it on my love of cop dramas, scary movies and....

Solving Our Problems One Brilliant Idea At A Time!

Let me start this off my saying Kipper and I both loved our college experiences, but student loans SUCK! Long story short, both of us went to private colleges, I work for a small nonprofit, Kipper works for a nonprofit hospital and our combined amount of student loans are killing us financially.

A few nights ago we had a panicked/heated discussion about our options and what we were going to do. After a while I was just done talking about it but my loving, OCD husband wanted to "talk it out" a little more. At that moment I came up with a BRILLIANT idea!

     Me: I've got it! I know what we can do and it will solve all our issues! 

     Kipper:  okay.....

     Me: One of us needs to fake our death.

     Kipper:  (stares at me...face turning a little red) 

     Me: Think about it. They forgive your student loans when you die and when you die your spouse gets your insurance money. So one of us fakes our death, the loans are forgiven and we use the insurance money to pay off the others loans. 

     Kipper:  (long pause...) REALLY??? That is your freaking brilliant plan. REALLY?? I mean, REALLY???????? 

     Me: Yea! Pretty good, huh?

     Kipper:  Oh yea, breaking the law by committing insurance fraud is a great idea.

     Me: Yea well that is a slight issue. 

     Kipper:  (long pause...) What the hell is wrong with you? 

     Me: Just thinking outside the box. 

     Kipper:  (just glares at me) 

     Me: But really, it would make most since for you to be the one who faked their death because you owe way more than me in student loans. So your loans could be forgiven, then we could pay mine off and use the extra money to move off the grid.  

     Kipper: (just glares at me) 

     Me: Now if we could make it look like a work related death, we would get even more money! 

If you can't tell my idea didn't go over very well. And don't worry, we won't be faking anyone's death to commit insurance fraud. 

But I still think it was a pretty brilliant idea to come up with on the fly! Well minus the illegal part....

It Totally Made Sense To Me

We have an annual event in Hood County called the Country Spirit Jamboree. I have to say, it is one of my favorite events of the year, but for any of you who have been a part of "Story Time" at a various happy hours, it is very different than any event we have here in Fort Worth.

This year as part of the live auction the committee was extremely excited about a miniature donkey (or as they refereed to it, the miniature Jesus donkey..another story, so another time my friends)  And I have to admit he is super cute....

Any who one afternoon I was talking to Mel about the fact that we might have to pull the donkey out of the auction for several reason.

1. The donkey was 4 years old and had never really been handled by people 
2. They can't be sure the donkey wouldn't bite and/or kick someone
3. And my favorite, apparently there is a near epidemic of people trying to "donate" miniature donkeys in Hood County because there are too many 

Then the conversation took a turn. 

      Me: The whole "There are too many miniature donkeys" is strange to me. Why are people breading them? What is their purpose. 

     Mel:  Not really sure. 

     Me: I mean really, what can it do? Pull a miniature wagon around your property?   

     Mel:   I guess, I am really not sure.  

     Me: I guess they would be really great for midget farmers because they could hook up little wagons and stuff. 

     Mel:   (just stares at me)  

     Me: Is there even such thing as a midget farmer? I mean I am sure there is. Just cause someone is small doesn't mean they can't be a good farmer. 

     Mel:   There are no words, no words. 

Well of course this conversation caused to do a little investagoogling! Apparently "Midget Farmers" is the name of a band...and not a very good one at that. But I couldn't find anything about real working farmers who are also midgets or at least not any pictures. 

Oh well, the idea totally made sense to me at the time. (and you know you agree with me!) So once again I ask, "What they heck do they need so many miniature donkeys for?"  

The Bicycle Battle - Part 1

When Kipper took his new job at Cook Children's last year, he quickly became very interested in cycling since many of his co-workers rode. So after saving up he got his first rode bike and has started riding a few times a week.

We have been talking about getting me a bike so that we can ride together, which was great since I had wanted a bike for a long time.  But Kipper's idea of a bike is not even close to Allie's idea of a bike. 

This is what I had been dreaming of.....

Kipper...not so much. He had found a bike on Craigslist that he thought would be a great deal for me, so he wanted to chat about it last night before he went to look at it today. 

The conversation went something like this. 

     Kipper: Honey, I found the perfect bike for you and I want you to tell me what you think before I drive to Garland to look at it. 

     Me: Is it pink?

     Kipper:  no.

     Me: Does it have fenders? 

     Kipper:  um, no. 

     Me: But it has a basket, right? 

     Kipper:  nope. Just look at it. It is teal. 

     Me: Fine. I could live with teal...after I add fenders and a basket.

     Kipper: (mumbles something to himself...) 

     Me: (looking at the bike) Yea....this is nice and all, but I was thinking    something more like this! (pulling up pictures of this FAB Kate Spade Bike I had found earlier that day) 

    

     Kipper:  Honey..look, that is very cute but not at all practical! If you want to ride with Me, Travis and Becky you need a bike that is functional. 

     Me: That bike is TOTALLY functional! Look at all the stuff you can carry and it even has a chain guard to protect the hem of your skirt from getting caught up in it! 

     Kipper: Really? Honey I love you, but we ride for conditioning. We ride for distance. We ride to train ourselves to become better athletes. If you are going to ride with us, you have to have a real bike. It won't be a Mary freaking Poppins ride through the park.

     Me: Mary Poppins never rode a bike. 

     Kipper:  What? 

     Me: Mary. Poppins. never. rode. a. bike. (opens google)

     Kipper: Yes she did! When she floated up in the sky.  

     Me:  Um, no...she used an umbrella. you are thinking of ET. Mary Poppins did ride a Carousal Horse though. 

     Kipper:  Whatever. It doesn't really matter, you know what I mean. 

     Me: Then why did you say it? 

     Kipper: (mumbles something to himself...)  

     Me:  Now, Julie Andrews did ride a bike in the Sound of Music when she played Maria. 

     Kipper:  See! I told you, Mary Poppins rode a bike! 

     Me: How do you figure that?  

     Kipper: Julie Andrews rode a bike when she played Maria in the Sound of Music. And then Julie Andrews played Mary Poppins. SO Mary freaking Poppins rode a bike! 

     Me: Yea and your Lance Armstrong cause you wear yellow and black when you ride. :)

To be continued...

Just Living Up To The Name Of My Blog

Let me set the stage. I am in the bathroom brushing my hair after a shower and I something on the floor catches my eye. Kipper walks in as I bend over to examine what it is.

     Kipper: Honey, what are you doing?

     Me: There is something in the grout of the tile. 

     Kipper:  Ok...what is it?

     Me: A rhinestone. (tries to pick it up) Ugh!

     Kipper:  What?

     Me: I can't pick it up. It is liked it is glued down....oh never mind I got it.  

     Kipper:  Ok...

     Me: That was weird...I have no idea how that ended up there. Strange, Huh?

     Kipper:  (shaking head) Yea....Nothing in this house involving rhinestones and glitter surprises me anymore. 

Hmmm...ok then. I wonder if he would be okay with one of these additions to our house? heehee! :) 

Oooh or maybe a rhinestone wall???  (this wall is from Swarovski Cystal Worlds in Austria!)

Hey I am just.....

I Swear We Are Both Medicated :)

If you know us, you know Kipper and I are both crazy in our own ways. If you don't actually know us, but just read my blog, you know Kipper and I are both crazy in our own ways.

Several of our friends tell us all the time if we had a reality TV show they would totally watch it (which of course they would because they are our FRIENDS!) but really I have never thought we were that entertaining.

Yet after hearing this over and over for sometime, I actually started to pay attention to some of the crap that came out of our mouths.  I mean the Usual Suspects always text each other quotes of the day/night and yes several have been compliments of Kipper or I, but that is just the tip of the ice burg compared to some of the random conversations that take place between the two of us. Holy Moly! 

Here are just a few examples of what I mean....

     Me: Is it odd I sort of like Apple Martin's name?

     Kipper: Yes

     Me: So you don't want to name our future child that.  

     Kipper:  Um..NO!

     Me: How about Blueberry Martin?

     Kipper: Again, NO!

...L o n g   P a u s e....

     Kipper: You know if we did name a child Blueberry, I could totally say "You're my boy Blue" That would be so cool!

A few "quotes of the day" compliments of the Martin family. (In true quote of the day fashion, I am not going to tell you who said what...guessing that is half the fun! lol!) 

• "I need to take a Vicodin. I blog well on Vicodin."

• "Babies, puppies, bounce house and naked Barbies Oh My!"

• "We are currently being baked by solar flares...good thing we have a magnetosphere."

• "Some days I feel like walking in a room, throwing glitter and yelling "Here I Am Bitches!"

• "When I was little, I used to practice being a priest. I would make communion wafers out of bread with a shot glass. I even had an alter"

• "That cheese tastes like what I imagine the stock show would taste like"

• "What did he do, suckle a baby calf?"

•  "Remind me to tell you about the sugar fields in Uruguay."

•  "We have fallen down a redneck rabbit hole!"

• (Watching Doomsday Preppers) " Honey, these are my people!!!" 

• "I totally have a  new fundraiser idea for the Catholic church...charge a fee to try on the pope hat, extra to have your photo made in it. Don't laugh, cause you all know you would want to do it."