New Year, New Me?!?!

*Disclaimer: This has been the hardest post of my life to put out there. I have sat on it for over a week trying to decide if I really want to go through with this. It is really long, a little rambling and should have been split out into 2 parts. Yet I was afraid I would chicken out and never post the second half. So grab cup coffee and get settled in. I will be the girl over in the corner hyperventilating in a paper bag because I finally had the courage to share something I have been trying to do for almost 2 years. Cheers!

Happy New Year!!  2014 was an epic year for the Martin family. Both Kipper and I set out to accomplish goals that just a year before we could have never dreamed of.  Along the way to achieving those goals we made new friends, grew closer to old friends, celebrated 10 years of wedded bliss, did more laundry and dishes than I care to recall (damn water bottles) and learned more about ourselves than we ever imagined.  As we welcome the start of another year it is time to set new goals and put forth a plan to achieve them.  A new year, a new me…right?!?!

Sort of, but not exactly.

At one time I was REALLY big on New Year’s resolutions. I would spend so much time coming up with big goals and ideas of things I wanted to accomplish for the entire year.  And while a few bits and pieces would happen, the majority always fell to the wayside and made me feel like a failure.  My New Year’s resolutions were just another example of me trying to map my life out 365 days in advance and never planning how I would adjust when life threw me a curveball.  And life always throws you a curveball (or five!)

Over the last two years I have done away with what I traditionally called New Year’s resolutions and focused more on attainable long term goals, reevaluating things every few months.  I think Kipper said it best – there is nothing magical about January 1st!  (Other than getting to use a new calendar; which is kind of magical if you are dorky like me!)  If you have a goal or a dream you can start on a random Tuesday in March or a Friday in September.  And if you get off track, all you need to do is wake up and start again. Every day is a chance to start anew.

Life is about growth.  I truly believe you must continue to grow and develop all areas of your life in order to fully live life the way God intended us to.  Sometimes that means pushing past your comfort zones.  Breaking down walls and allowing yourself to be more vulnerable in the eyes of others.  It is an ongoing journey and it can be so scary, yet so incredibly freeing. 

When I started my blog, my goal was to focus on craft and dyi projects, with the occasional post about my personal life.  I didn’t realize it then, but looking back I realize my blog was away for me to escape from issues I didn’t want to deal with at that time.  I quickly found that I was writing more personal posts than anything, although the majority of them remained up published.  I slowly started posting more of them, but was still extremely guarded. 

In 2013 I made a promise to myself that I would be more transparent in my blogging and I began to open up about my struggle with depression, ADHD and infertility.  In 2014 while my blogging was limited, I shared some of my rawest, most honest posts ever.  Sometimes I still can’t believe I ever hit publish on them, but in the end I am so thankful I did. 

Every time I took a leap of faith and put my heart out there, I was blown away by the response.  The amount of love and support I have received, from places I would have never imagined, has been amazing! I was always so concerned about how others would judge me and I am sure there are some who have. Yet through this experience I have found a support system that I would have never had.  I have connected with others in a way that would have never happened in our casual friendship and have been blessed to have been a very small part of helping a few other women start their journey breaking down their own walls.  

Because of the promise I made to myself in 2013 and the small chance this might help someone else, I have finally decided to open up about the issue that scares me the most and plays a huge part of my battle with depression – my weight and self-image issues. I have written countless posts on this topic, but I have never been brave enough to share.  Today - in the spirit of the New Year - that changes.  

Long story short, I have had a long, extremely unhealthy relationship with food and my weight.  For years my thoughts were consumed with calories, dress sizes and weight. I measured my worth in numbers and even at a size 2/4 and 120 pounds I wasn't truly happy.   

Anytime something didn't work out, in my mind, it was always because I was fat. Seriously.  Broke up with my boyfriend – I was too fat. Didn't get the part in a play I wanted – too fat. Didn't make the grade I expected on a test – you guessed it, too fat!  It never crossed my mind that things don’t always go your way or that maybe if I wasn't so preoccupied with what size my new jeans were and spent more time studying I MIGHT have done better on that test.  

In my 20’s I found some relief from this thanks to antidepressants but at the cost of gaining weight.  I came to a point that I just stopped caring about my nutrition or working out, literally doing everything I could not to think about it. Yet I hadn't actually fixed anything, only band aided it and I still thought about it often. It took me several years to realize that. 

A little over 3 years ago, after the hardest year of my life, I had gained a considerable amount of weight – 40 pounds to be exact.  I was miserable.  By the grace of God I decided to start running with Kipper. My original motivation was weight loss. Only I had no idea how this decision to run would change my life so many other ways.  At the heaviest I had ever been, I signed up and completed a Warrior Dash mud run.

Over the next year I kept running and worked extremely hard to get myself off Prozac and Adderall. It took almost a year but I was able to get off all my meds and was feeling better than I had in ages. I lost a little weight, just not as much as I had hoped. Yet I kept running and setting new goals. Somewhere along the way the goals stopped being only weight related and became endurance and health related.

Fast-forward to 2014. Training for and running a full marathon and watching Kipper complete an Ironman 70.3 changed everything.  For the first time it all clicked. My imperfect body had carried me through the hardest and most epic challenge I could imagine.  I had wasted so much of my life consumed with my weight and being smaller.  When I was 120 pounds, I couldn't run more than maybe a mile. Yet there I was at 240 pounds and I had run a marathon.  It actually makes me more proud of myself knowing that I had the courage at this weight to start and finish something that only 1% of population attempts.  (Now excuse me while a freak out that I just shared my weight with the entire world…something up until now only my husband and doctors have known!)

As I move forward in my journey I know that while I am completely healthy now, my weight can’t stay here because there will come a day it will affect me. I also know that dropping some weight will make a huge difference in my running.  Kipper has long thought that part of my issue is on most days I don’t eat enough or I have a major splurges and am way over. I don't have a happy medium. My body is all out of whack and confused.  And while I have agreed with him for some time I have no evidence to support that theory because tracking my food terrifies me.  It gives me great anxiety and takes me back to a former version of myself that I never want to be again.  I will track here and there but as soon as I start to panic, I stop.

I am finally in a place that I am ready to tackle that fear and anxiety once and for all.  I know it is going to be tough. It is going to force me to face demons I have tried to bury for far too long. But I’m not the girl I once was. Food isn't my enemy or a substitute for a therapist. Even though I struggle some days, a number on a scale doesn't define me.  Somehow surviving the first week of tracking my food without any freak outs has reconfirmed all of this.  

Moving forward I have promised myself I will continue to share this part of my journey. It terrifies me. It is the wall that I have never let many past, but it is time. I am so thankful that I have an incredibly supportive husband and that God has placed a handful of people in my life over the last few years that have given me new perspective and helped get me to this point. 

Threads of Hope: Our New Direction

Have you ever struggled to find the right words to explain your feelings but every time you try to communicate them the words never come? This has been me for the last month or so. Even when talking to my own husband, I struggled to find the words. It was so frustrating for me and I am pretty sure it has at times caused tension between the two of us. That is what I think I hate the most about these emotions.

Just when I had sort of given up hope, it happened. I was sound asleep and something woke me up. I don't remember what it was, everyone else in the house was fast asleep. It was like a light switch went off in my brain in the middle of a random night, suddenly the words were there. I laid in bed, tears streaming down my face as everything I had been struggling with suddenly made complete sense.

(You might want to grab some refreshments or run to the restroom, because this is going to be a long one!)

Imagine you decided to knit a blanket. Even though you don't work on it every day, it is always in the back of your mind. There are periods of time you are so focused on it you can't think clearly about anything else. Overtime you look back at what you have already completed, you begin to see areas of imperfection and other parts that are stitched it perfection. Imagine running your hands over each stitch, reliving all the joy, heartbreak, excitement and frustration you have experienced while making it.  More prayers and tears than you can recall have been stitched in, one by one. Yet no matter how much you want to finish your blanket you just keep going and going...for nearly 5 years.

Our struggle with infertility is a lot like that never ending blanket. And right now I am doing my best to hang on to it by a few threads. Threads of hope.

Earlier this summer it became clear that even though our insurance would help pay for some of the IVF treatment, we wouldn't be moving forward with it. After considering all the pros and cons, we decided the risks were too great. There would be multiple surgeries, concerns over the hormone injections required, and even with insurance a very significant cost for just one shot. Even though I was the one who essentially came to the conclusion first, it was really hard to say it out loud.

With that decision, the chances of me ever carrying a child (aside from a miracle from God) were over.  It was heart breaking to me but I almost feel like it was a relief to Kipper. You see, ever since I can remember he has always felt like we were supposed to adopt. When we first started talking about having a baby he wanted to talk about adoption.  I have always thought of adoption as a beautiful way to grow a family, but I wanted so badly to have a child on our own so I dismissed talk of anything else.  I am pretty sure this is a prime example of me wanting to follow my own plan when God had another one. We just took the long way around.

As excited as I was that we had made a decision on how to move forward. I have been overwhelmed. Adoption is an emotional roller coaster and I am going into this somewhat emotionally drained from our infertility experience. And then there is the fact that on paper, I have no clue how we will be able to afford it. Seriously, I have no idea and it terrifies me.

Kipper and I agreed that we would stick to the same plan with adoption as we had agreed on with IVF. We would get through October and his Half Ironman before we proceeded. It would give him the opportunity to focus and it would give me the time to research our options and just give my mind a rest.

But I have been struggling and couldn't figure out why. How is it possible to be so incredibly happy, yet sad at the same time?  There were even moments when I really thought about going back on an antidepressant. Maybe the help it would provide finally outweighed all the horrible side affects I fought so hard to get away from. But just when I was to my breaking point, my middle of the night epiphany made everything so clear.

I have been grieving. Mourning the loss of what most likely will never be. 

The excitement of telling family and friends. Morning sickness. Hearing the heartbeat for the first time. An ever expanding belly. The feeling of tiny kicks. Being surrounded by our loved ones as we find out the gender. The look on his face first time Kipper could feel them move. Swollen ankles and feet. Sonogram photos. Singing and talking to my belly. Doctors appointment. Back pain. Creating a birth plan. And as crazy as it sounds, even labor and giving birth. 

As I type these things out, I feel selfish for how I have felt. There are so many precious children in this world that are just waiting for a loving family and here I am having a pity party for myself. But I have dreamed of being pregnant and having a healthy baby for so long, this change in our plans has left me feeling like I have lost something. And until this week I had no idea that is what was really going on.

I am so thankful for this epiphany because it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can finally begin to emotionally and spiritually prepare myself for what is to come.

As we move forward in this journey, I ask for your continued prayers. Not only are we praying to grow our family in whatever way that may look like, we are also praying for on guidance on how to make adoption financially possible for our family. And once we step on the adoption roller coaster I know we will need lots love, support and understanding. You have no idea how much the prayers and support mean to us.

The Other Side of Mother's Day

Disclaimer: This is one of those posts I have struggled to decide if I should share or just keep it private, but I knew I needed to put my thoughts down.  In the end I decided to share because I promised myself I would be open about our journey and this is a part of it. And even when I feel very vulnerable for sharing, I am reminded of the wonderful support group that has grown from me being open about our journey to parenthood. 

Growing up I loved Mother's Day. I got to buy or make cards and gifts for my mom, grandmothers and aunts. We got dressed up and would eat together as a family. As I got older some traditions changed but I still enjoyed celebrating the women in my life, one day really isn't enough. 

After I got married I celebrated Mother's Day as a fur mom and always looked forward to it. But as we started trying to have a baby I suddenly started to hate Mother's Day. Even though I felt very blessed to have my sweet fur babies and wanted to be happy, I couldn't shake the feeling.  

Social media has made it even worse. Seeing all of my friends with their newborns and children, the few that reserve their pregnancy announcements for that day, all the husbands praising their wives for being wonderful mothers, parents of friends talking about how blessed they were for their grandchildren. All of those things were like a knife through my heart, reminding me that the one thing I wanted still hadn't happened. That because I am only child my parents have yet to experience the joys of being grandparents in the traditional sense. (they are amazing grandparents to our fur babies!) It makes me relive so many moments of heartbreak that I wish I could block out of my mind forever. 

As much as it has hurt the last few years, I felt like I was in a better place emotionally with our journey this year so maybe it wouldn't hit me as hard. I was wrong.  It still hurt and I still cried. And honestly being the first year without Dutchess didn't help. 

I know I am not alone, there are so many others hurting today. Maybe their Mom is no longer with us. Maybe they are just waiting and praying for their time. Or they have known the joys of motherhood, but also the pain and sorrow of loss. Maybe their life isn't where they expected it to be and the chance of ever being a mother is slowly slipping away. Or they are reliving the moments they gave their child up for adoption or even worse. I can think of so many reasons today would be painful. 

I spent this weekend being thankful for the blessings I have and for those that I know are to come. We have a long road ahead of us in our journey to parenthood. It is going to be emotional and even painful at times. There is a chance that we will still be on our journey come next Mother's Day and if that is the case I am sure I will cry. 

There are so many unknowns before us but there is one thing I know for 100% certainty. One day our prayers will be answered. And when that day comes all the tears, financial strain, sleepless nights and pain will be worth it.  Everyday I just have to stay faithful, trust his plan and his timing, even on days like today. 

Dear Depression and Self Doubt: Today, I Win!

October 26, 2013

Dear Depression and Self Doubt,

For the last month or so you have put up a good fight. At times I gave in and let you get the upper hand, but I am stronger than that. And while I know we will meet again on the battlefield, today I am victorious. Today, on my 32nd birthday, I WIN!

Sincerely, 
Allie Martin

Each of my half marathons have been a unique experience, never the same. They each hold a special meaning in my heart, but #4 might go down as one of the most special and emotional experiences I have ever had in running.

Leading up to the race, I was no where near as prepared as I should have been or wanted to me. I let life and some terrible shoe issues get in the way. Months of unhappiness and stress at work were taking a toll on me. Knowing I was about to be another year older and still hadn't been blessed with a baby (the 2 legged kind) lingered in the back of my mind. I was in a full on battle with my depression and preparing for this race sort of got pushed to the wayside. To top it off, just 2 weeks before we found out Dutchess had Lymphoma and we only had a few months at best left with her. I WAS A MESS!!

For a while I thought about pulling out of the race or just doing the 5K with Kipper and Whitley. But the week before the race I decided to just go and have fun. It was just going to be a birthday "fun run" that just happened to be 13.1 miles. lol. Plus I gave up on trying to make my Hoka's work for me and just bought some new inserts for my tried and true Air Pegasus.

The morning of the race, I actually felt pretty good. I was at peace, relaxed and ready to have a fun day with some of my favorite people.

They started with the 5k runners and then about 15 minutes later AJ and I were off on half #4! About 3 miles in I realized I was keeping up with 3 hour pace group. At first I panicked that I was going to wear myself out (my best time was 3:28 and that was when I was training really hard) but I chilled out and just kept going with them. I had never really run with a pace group, but it was nice. We chit-chatted a bit, learned several of the people where running their first half, one of the ladies for her 50th birthday that was just a few weeks away. I stayed with them until just before mile 6 1/2 when I spotted Kipper and Whitley and slowed down to give hugs.

Around mile 7 and then again at 8, I got to see Kipper and Whitley again. They were the best Sherpas and even ran with me for about a 1/2 a mile. That might have been one of my favorite parts of this race. Especially since it was a small race and there were times you sort of felt like you were doing this alone.

When I waved them goodbye and took off for the last part of the course, I had such an overwhelming sense of peace that seemed to surround me. I took most of the rest of the race to really reflect. Reflect on the past year, all the amazing things that have happened, all the times I just wanted to give up, the excitement of my new job, and how spending the last year learning to truly trust God's plan has been the hardest, most amazing journey. Pretty sure there was a good mile that I had tears streaming non-stop. It was almost like an out of body experience. It was my God moment of this race for sure.

The last mile or so was actually on the track of Texas Motor Speedway. This was one of the hardest parts, because no matter how close you were to the wall you still ran on a slight incline. Right before the 12 mile marker was the last rest stop. As I approched all of the ladies volunteering started singing "Happy Birthday!" I had no idea how they knew it was my birthday, but it was AWESOME!! (I later found out that AJ told them when see went through the stop!) 

I took off from that last stop with a huge smile on my face, ready to finish out strong! At this point I knew that unless something went crazy wrong, by the grace of God I was going to set a PR.  I turned on my favorite Chris Tomlin song as I rounded the last curve, to see Kipper waiting just a little before the finish line.  He ran with me until right before the finish line when I picked up my pace. (he took a  video of me running to the finish line...I have never been so proud of a video of my butt!) 

As I ran towards the finish line I could see AJ, Whitley and Chelsey cheering me on just on the other side. Then the announcer said my time and the water works started! A week before I was ready to not even run because I was worried about finishing. But not only did I finish, I set a new half marathon PR. And not by just a few minutes either. I PR'ed by nearly 10 minutes!!! 10 MINUTES!!!

A year ago the dream of finishing a half marathon was just that - a dream. I still can't believe all that I achieved in a year and I know what is to come is going to be just as exciting. This race just reminded me that all things are truly possible with God. I can't give in to self doubt, when I feel waves of depression coming on I have to fight it. If I would have given in, I would have missed out on this experience. An experience that I know was an important part of my journey.

Thank you to everyone who cheered me on, prayed for me, sent sweet birthday messages, and encouraged me to push myself to limits I never imagined. A small piece of this victory was because of you!

I can't wait to see what all year 32 has in store for me! Cheers!!

Unanswered Prayers

It has been 2 months since my last real, published blog post.

In the past, typing the sentence would make me feel like a failure or slacker. This time it doesn't. A lot has been going on in the Martin household and with me personally. Some of these things just popped up, others have been building for months.  (And if we are going to be 100% honest, I was dealing with one of the worst spells of depression I have had since going totally med free a year ago.)  Yet through the darkness and worry, so many amazing things have happened. 

The last few weeks I have spent a lot of time thinking back over the past year and plans I had in store.  Only God had very different plans. I wanted more than anything to trust his plan and his timing, but it was a major struggle. At times I found myself angry and feeling helpless. I kept praying for the faith to trust his plan, but often found myself slipping into praying for him to please answer my unanswered prayers. 

The biggest of these was for us to get pregnant and have a healthy baby.  If you have ever tired to get pregnant and especially those who have struggled with infertility, you will understand what I am saying here. You want nothing more than to do what thousands of unwed teenagers do every week but for some reason it isn't happening. (if one more person told me to just get drunk and "do it" I might have hit someone!) You sob and get depressed when someone announces they are expecting, no matter how much you want to be happy for them. Whenever you are a day late you start to get your hopes up just a little bit, only for granny flow to send them crashing down into the gutter. And don't even get me started on how the news of Kim Kardashian being pregnant set me off. 

I started training for my first half marathon and really focused on channeling my energy in to that verses thinking about us not getting pregnant. I have said it before, but I truly have running to thank for saving me and for helping realign my relationship with God. Slowly but surely things started to get better. I was trusting his plan. I knew God wouldn't have put it on our hearts to be parents if it wasn't meant to be.

Fast forward a few months, we got some bad news on testing and I began to prepare myself to hear that it was the end of the road for us having a biological child because we knew we could never afford IVF. I was devastated at this thought but I did the only thing I knew to do - I prayed. I prayed that God would provide a way for us to become parents.  

The day before the doctors appointment we found out that as of October 1st Kipper's insurance would began covering IVF!! Trust his plan, he will provide. 

Looking back on this last year, I am thankful for those unanswered prayers. Kipper and I are not the same people we were a year ago. We had things we needed to experience, demons we needed to face, opportunities that we needed to take; that all were a very important part of our journey. This has been a year of tremendous growth in the Martin household. God has been helping prepare us for what he has to come and I can say without a doubt in my heart whatever it he has in store will be more amazing than anything I could every dream up.

I have been chomping at the bit to share with everyone our latest news and I will finally be able to do that tomorrow! Yea!!!! Stay tuned! (and no, it isn't a baby...)