The Other Side of Mother's Day

Disclaimer: This is one of those posts I have struggled to decide if I should share or just keep it private, but I knew I needed to put my thoughts down.  In the end I decided to share because I promised myself I would be open about our journey and this is a part of it. And even when I feel very vulnerable for sharing, I am reminded of the wonderful support group that has grown from me being open about our journey to parenthood. 

Growing up I loved Mother's Day. I got to buy or make cards and gifts for my mom, grandmothers and aunts. We got dressed up and would eat together as a family. As I got older some traditions changed but I still enjoyed celebrating the women in my life, one day really isn't enough. 

After I got married I celebrated Mother's Day as a fur mom and always looked forward to it. But as we started trying to have a baby I suddenly started to hate Mother's Day. Even though I felt very blessed to have my sweet fur babies and wanted to be happy, I couldn't shake the feeling.  

Social media has made it even worse. Seeing all of my friends with their newborns and children, the few that reserve their pregnancy announcements for that day, all the husbands praising their wives for being wonderful mothers, parents of friends talking about how blessed they were for their grandchildren. All of those things were like a knife through my heart, reminding me that the one thing I wanted still hadn't happened. That because I am only child my parents have yet to experience the joys of being grandparents in the traditional sense. (they are amazing grandparents to our fur babies!) It makes me relive so many moments of heartbreak that I wish I could block out of my mind forever. 

As much as it has hurt the last few years, I felt like I was in a better place emotionally with our journey this year so maybe it wouldn't hit me as hard. I was wrong.  It still hurt and I still cried. And honestly being the first year without Dutchess didn't help. 

I know I am not alone, there are so many others hurting today. Maybe their Mom is no longer with us. Maybe they are just waiting and praying for their time. Or they have known the joys of motherhood, but also the pain and sorrow of loss. Maybe their life isn't where they expected it to be and the chance of ever being a mother is slowly slipping away. Or they are reliving the moments they gave their child up for adoption or even worse. I can think of so many reasons today would be painful. 

I spent this weekend being thankful for the blessings I have and for those that I know are to come. We have a long road ahead of us in our journey to parenthood. It is going to be emotional and even painful at times. There is a chance that we will still be on our journey come next Mother's Day and if that is the case I am sure I will cry. 

There are so many unknowns before us but there is one thing I know for 100% certainty. One day our prayers will be answered. And when that day comes all the tears, financial strain, sleepless nights and pain will be worth it.  Everyday I just have to stay faithful, trust his plan and his timing, even on days like today. 

The Day I Became Marathon Allie

This has to be at least the 20th time I have sat down to write this post. Every time I open up a page to start, my mind is overwhelmed and I am at a loss for words. I get emotional as I start to relive the entire day, mile by mile. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to do this experience justice with my words.

As with most exciting experiences, I had trouble sleeping the night before. Once I was finally able to fall asleep, I woke up a few times in a sweat that I had overslept and missed the whole thing.  Once 5 a.m. rolled around I was up and less nervous than I thought. As I got dressed I was excited and ready to get started. But as we drove to AJ's house the nerves started to flare up. I remember grabbing Chris' hand and asking him, " I can do this, right?"  What I can't remember is what he said back to me. Seriously....no recollection whatsoever. I actually don't remember much of what happened or was said between me asking that question and him dropping AJ, Jen and I off to go to the start line.

What I did remember was posting this photo and saying a prayer. During that prayer I prayed for a safe, injury free race for everyone involved and for God to help me push through whenever I doubted myself or felt like I couldn't keep going. While I joke that I do races for the medals (don't get me wrong, I love them!) this race was different. It was not only a physical and mental challenge, it was very spiritual for me. It was the ultimate testament to God's greatness and the transformation he has helped me make over the last year.


By many people's standards I shouldn't be running a marathon. I am overweight. I am slow. I didn't train 6 days a week. But I didn't care, I have the heart of a runner. Not only was I running a marathon, I was running after being 100% med free for nearly a year. There were so many times during my training I wanted to take Adderall to help me push through/focus my mind, but I didn't give in. I panicked a week or so before and really considered taking it the day of the race, but in my heart I felt like I would be cheating myself. I am so glad I didn't give in to the fear.

Throughout the day there were a handful of very clear moments that I knew without a doubt, God was sending me the help I prayed for. Those are the moments that have stayed with me for nearly a month afterwards, that continue to work on my heart and make me want keep going.

When we walked to our corral, I was doing everything I could to keep my nerves in check. There were so many more people this year and my biggest cheerleader wasn't physically there to reassure me that it would all be ok.  As we found our way into our corral and were waiting to start, my nerves went into hyper drive. Behind me a girl was making a video to post before we started. The video went something like this: "I am about to run my first half marathon! I am so nervous but I just want to be an inspiration to all the girls out there that have every doubted themselves. Wish me luck!"

Even with all the people and noise, I remember this moment so clearly. It was a simple message, but it spoke to my heart. That is so much of what I wanted from this experience. I wanted to inspire others to reach deep and push themselves to do something they never imagined doing. I wanted to show others who had been in the dark place that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I wanted glorify God every step of my journey. Within a few moments my nerves had calmed and I was focused.

Once we started I felt great, other than a little rumble in my stomach that I had just chalked up to nerves and figured it would go away. Little did I know that "rumble" would cause me quite a bit of trouble and help add nearly 45 minutes to my time.

Other than stomach issues and one of the water stops being out of cups, the first 12-13 miles were amazing! The energy on the course was awesome and even going up the Main Street bridge, I felt so strong.  I loved seeing my family and friends in the Stockyards and then again on Magnolia. Truth be told, I wasn't totally prepared for how lonely the course would get when the half and full split at mile 10. There were moments I felt like I was the only one still out there. I am so thankful I did all my long runs alone, otherwise this would have really been an issue.

I knew I would see everyone again right before mile 15 at Laura and Sean's house, but mile 14 is where the mind games started. I remember tearing up just a little when I saw Kipper and my Dad run across the street to meet me. For a brief moment I wanted to call it a day, a very brief moment. The cheers of from my family and sweet friends gave me another wind. Around the corner and off I went.


The next 2 miles went great. I was keeping my mind games in check and my stomach had calmed down a bit. Sadly that peace was short lived. Somewhere between mile 17 and 18, I lost it. Full blown meltdown. There were moments my eyes started to burn from the tears and I felt weighed down by sun was beating down on my back. I was really ready to give up, I no longer believed I could do it. I tried to focus on the lyrics of the song that was playing, which just happened to be Matt Maher's Hold Us Together. Shortly after the first verse I saw I woman running towards me, waving her arms. I sucked up my tears and pulled out my ear buds so I could hear her. She was so sweet, wanting to make sure I was ok and even offered to stay with me. I assured her I was ok (which was a total lie) and thanked her. As she started off the other direction she yelled "They are all in the park waiting to cheer for you! Keep Going!"  

I knew Fosters Park was the next place I would see family and friends, so that comment made the tears flow again. As I put my ear buds back in, these were the lyrics playing...

And love will hold us together

Make us a shelter to weather the storm

And I'll be my brother's keeper

So the whole world will know that we're not alone

This is the first day of the rest of your life

This is the first day of the rest of your life

'Cause even in the dark, you can still see the light

It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright

It was an aha moment to say the least. With a semi-fake smile on my face I kept pushing through. By the time I saw Kipper and my Dad again, my stomach was killing me and I was starting to worry about finishing in time. I could have sworn I was the only person still out there and that was really disheartening. Kipper assured me if I stayed on track I would be fine, I just had to keep going.

At Mile 20 is where I saw the whole gang, with the big banner they made AJ and I. This is when I found my next guardian angel of the day. Jenn Harris sent Bobby on to mile 23 to meet Kipper and stayed with me. Not only did she run the next 3 miles with me, she helped me make it to the next bathroom stop and kept
talking so I didn't have time to think too much.  By the time we meet the guys at the Woodshed, I felt like a new women. I was hurting and tired, but the end was in sight. Only 3 miles left, but they were 3 miles I had run a million times before. Both AJ and I said, if we could make it to the park we would be okay. We knew that part of the trail like the back of our hand.

The last 3 miles were amazing. Once in the park I realized there were lots of people still out on the course. I met up with a lady from Arkansas running her 2nd marathon and a 65 year old gentleman from Fort Worth who was also running his 1st marathon.  Chatting with them was a nice distraction for the blister that I felt burst around mile 24. And when I would start to slow down just a bit he would yell "Pick up the pace pigtails!"

When I crossed University and entered the Will Rogers complex my adrenaline really kicked in. All of the body aches, stomach issues and doubt was gone.  There were several times throughout the day that I recited one of the 4 verses I chose for this race to myself. As I picked up my pace and approached that last turn, I just kept repeating Philippians 4:13 over and over. In the final stretch all I could see was AJ on the other side of the finish line and Kipper, Watts and Jen M on the other side of the barricade cheering like mad.

It was almost like an out of body experience. As I approached the finish line the tears kept coming and I just covered my mouth in shock. I did it! I, Allie Martin, ran a freaking marathon. I am not the same person I was at the start line that morning.  I was so excited, I didn't even really care they had run out of medals and I would have to wait nearly 3 weeks to get mine. But we did get a laminated photo of the medal and a cowbell. We kept joking that we ran a freaking marathon and we got was a stinking cowbell! lol.

That morning I asked  God to help me push through whenever I doubted myself or felt like I couldn't keep going. That help came in many forms and in ways I would have never imagined. I wasn't at my best that day, I honestly didn't feel like I deserved the finish I had. But through his grace I was able to finish strong and hopefully inspire others to have the courage to push themselves in a ways they had only dreamed of.

Both AJ and I went into this thing saying it was a one and done situation. I was never going to put myself through this emotional roller coaster again. It only took a week for me to realize that wasn't the case. I will do another marathon. A few things need to happen first (losing some weight and finding a coach because I will probably not train on my own again) but I WILL do it again. I have taken time off to decompress and now it is time to focus on more cross training and speed work. I don't do well when I don't have a tangible goal and this last month was very much proof of that. Time to start putting in the work to make my next dream come true. Half marathon PR here I come! :)

The Road to 26.2

Less than 12 hours stand between me and the start line of my first marathon.  Just typing that sentence is still crazy to me!! I am running a marathon! It was only a year ago that I was preparing to run my first half. Something that I didn't actually think I would do more than once. 5 half marathons later, here we are.  I am running a full marathon. 26.2 miles.

I still remember the day this all started. We were at the Lake Bubble and Kipper and I were getting ready to leave. I was standing on the dock, saying my good-byes when AJ told me, "You're running the full at Cowtown with me." I remember responding with something like "yea right" or "I am going to have to think about that." But somehow in the next 5 minutes she got me to say yes and never let me forget it.

I tried to back out more than once. I didn't believe in myself. I am overweight and slow. I couldn't wrap my head around taking on that distance. It flat out terrified me. On New Year's Eve in Jenny's living room I tried one last time to back out. AJ told me she would understand, but the look on her face told me a different story. I couldn't leave her hanging. Somehow, someway we would do this together. 

As I sit here tonight, I am a mixed bag of nerves and excitement. I know I am slow. I know I don't "look" like a runner. But I have put in the work and have the heart of runner.  With the incredible support of the hubs, AJ and countless others I haven't given up. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions for a few weeks, but I am ready.

Tomorrow will be one the hardest, yet most rewarding things I have ever done. It will be an experience that will change me forever. I choose 4 verses to focus on tomorrow: Isaiah 40:31, Philippians 3:13, Psalm 37:5 and Philippians 4:13. All 4 are written in my shoes and will be what I meditate on when I think don't have anything else to give.

I can never say thank you enough to those who have supported me thus far. I am blown away by how many are coming out to cheer us on along the route. Friends who I know are not fond of early mornings are getting up super early to support us in this crazy adventure. My heart is full and I am grateful. 

My Grateful Heart

See this guy?

Well he is freaking awesome! And quite possibly could be the best husband in the history of husbands. I have always felt blessed by our relationship, but the last several months have made me even more grateful for everything he does for our little family.

Exhibit A: 

Yesterday morning as I got in my car I sighed because I realized I was going to have to get out and scrap my windshield. Then I looked up to realize Kipper had already scraped the ice off my window for me...at 5:30 a.m. in the freezing cold, darkness of the morning. It is little things like this that make my heart flutter. Little things that he could easily not do and I would never think twice about them. 

He is the most supportive, loving and encouraging husband I could have ever asked for. Not just with his words, but his actions. He makes my heart overflow with gratitude and my cheeks hurt from smiling. I could give a million examples, but will stick to three. (I mean I don't want him to get a big head or anything. lol) 

Running: This year he is sitting out of running Cowtown in order to be my Sherpa for my first full marathon. I know it is killing him that he isn't running with all of us. Even when I have told him he could run, he said no. During my long training runs, all it takes is a text saying what I need and where to meet me and he is there (sometimes with Bostons in tow!)When I am done he is there to help me roll out my muscles and make sure I have a recovery smoothie or eat something. And when I start doubting myself, he is the first one to step up and tell me that I can do it. 

Home: We all know I am far from a domestic goddess, but the last few weeks I have been extra terrible. He has stepped up and picked up the slack in order to allow me to focus on my goals. I am talking he cooks, cleans, does laundry and dishes. He is my domestic super hero! 

Infertility: I am not going to lie, this is an area where emotions have gotten the best of us more than a few times. With every meltdown, comes great conversation that reassures me that in the end all will work out. Every time a door has closed, God has provided and has opened another one. And when my emotions overwhelm me, he is there to make sure I remember that.

His love for me makes me strive to be a better friend, co-worker, fur baby mommy, wife...the list goes on and on. Our relationship is unconventional and when we started dating I am sure people were perplexed, even if just by our age difference.  It never phased me. I knew from early on he was the one I was supposed to be with. And after nearly 10 years of marriage I fall in love with him more each and every day.

2013's Swan Song

I went into 2013 full speed ahead, with lots of plans and high expectations. As we say goodbye to 2013, I realize this year went completely different than what I could have ever imagined...and I am totally okay with that. Was it perfect? Not a chance. Am I better for every experience, trial and tribulation? Heck yeah I am!

No one wants to rehash the ups and downs of an entire year (especially when I am pretty sure most of you have a terrible hangover right now!) So for this swan song, I give you 13 things from 2013 that changed me, pushed me, made me dig deep and in the end made this year AWESOME!  

1. Running. I set out with the goal to run 1 half marathon in 2013. I never imagined that I would be able to run 4 half marathons. Let alone do it with some of the best friends a girl could ask for. In a strange way, running saved me. Running was a very important part of my personal journey this last year. 

2. Testing my faith. 2013 was a true test of my faith in God's plan for me, both personally and professionally. I am a planner and a dreamer. Both are wonderful qualities to have, but together they can be dangerous. Learning to fully trust his plan has been one of the hardest and most rewarding journeys I have embarked on.

3. Falling in love, again. This past year I fell in love with my husband all over again. Don't take this the wrong way, I never fell out of love with him. But this year was a huge year of growth for him and it was awesome to be a part of his experience.  He inspires me and makes me want to be a better person. There will never be the right words to express just how much I love him.

4. Making the switch. After years of being made fun of for my loyalty to my trusty Blackberry, I gave in and made the switch. In May I turned in my beat up, super glued together Cackberry for my very own iPhone 5. While I tried to maintain that I didn't like it, after a few drinks on a trip to NOLA I announced how much I loved my new phone and I didn't know why had held out for so long. Pretty sure at least 3 people sent Kipper a text within minutes to tell him. (On a side note: I am not sure what it says about me that this was big enough to be included in this list, but seriously it was a BIG deal!)

5. Finding my joy. Looking back at the last year I am not sure I could have come out on top without my renewed faith. A series of events a few years ago had left me angry and made me question my faith. As I began to seek God more, I found that even in dark moments I could still be joyful. In December 2012 at the Christ Chapel's Ladies Christmas Brunch, they had a great keynote speaker (I am embarrassed I can't remember her name at the moment!)  The focus of her presentation was not letting anyone or anything steal your joy. Her message really resonated with me. I began to pay more attention to people, activities, situations that wore on me and essentially stole my joy. Through this process I learned that as much as I might love/care for someone or something, they don't always deserve to be part of my life. In 2013 I had to make the heartbreaking choice to remove things from my life who had become extremely toxic. It wasn't easy and wore on me emotionally, but in the end it was the best thing I could have done for my emotional health.

6. Waiting for baby. As I said in my post, Unanswered Prayers, God wouldn't have put it on our hearts to be parents if it wasn't meant to be. When we began to trust his plan, pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place. 

7. Seeking financial peace. It is something we needed to tackle and figure out for a few years, but  it took a crazy chain of events this summer for us to hit a breaking point. We had been "getting by" for far too long. We need a real plan to tackle our finances and build some security. After Kipper met with one of the pastors at church who helps with financial planning, we joined a Financial Peace University small group. It was one of the best decisions we had made in a long time. It was life changing for us. I would recommend Dave Ramsey's program to everyone I know, no matter where you are financially.

8. Opening new doors. After spending my entire career in non-profit, I took a job with a for-profit company. It was a huge leap of faith that is already paying off. I LOVE my new job and co-workers. In case you missed my post about my new journey,  you can check it out here.

9. Trying new things. We ventured out of our normal comfort zone and along the way had a lot of laughs and even found new passions. I credit a lot of this to the major lifestyle changes Kipper (and I to an extent) have undergone the last few years. We had a date night at the trampoline park, we ran half marathons, Kipper rode in the Hotter N' Hell, I went paddle boarding and even faced some my fears by starting to learn how to REALLY swim! And that is is just the big one that popped into my head!

10. Opening up. In the past as much as liked to pretend I was an open book, there was a lot I wouldn't openly discuss. I was tired of trying to pretend I had it all together.  In 2013 I began to open up about my battle with depression, our infertility and my continued self image issues. For so long these things made be feel so much shame but even just opening up a little I was amazed at the love and support that friends flooded me with. It still blows my mind how many friends have reached out to me about because they have been in my shoes. While very few people know all the gory details, being open has been incredibly freeing and has helped me immensely.

11. Laughing. I am pretty sure I burned a thousands of calories in 2013 from all the laughing I did. We have awesome friends, who are rather hilarious. Just thinking about all the shenanigans we experienced with our friends make me laugh.  Lots of laughs were shared not only with friends, but family, co-workers and my favorite giggle sessions ever are those with Kipper and the fur babies. 

12. Saying Goodbye. 2013 will always be remembered as the year I said goodbye to my very best friend, partner in crime and fur daughter. In October I took Dutchess for her yearly check up expecting her to get a clean bill of health like she does every year. For the first time in 12 years her appointment ended in tears. Dutchess had lymphoma. After lots of research, prayer and conversations with  Dr. Young we opted to not do chemo and treat with Predinsone. We were told to expect 6-8 weeks with her, we were blessed to have her 10. Those 10 weeks were filled with extra treats, cuddles, weekend car rides and lots of family time. Kipper was always concerned how I would react when the day came. (for years the joke was I would have to be admitted to the psych ward) Of course I  was the one who came home first the night things took a turn for the worse. I knew the moment I had been preparing my heart for was finally here. I am still picking up the pieces of my heart and slowly putting them back together, but I am at peace knowing she didn't suffer and that she peacefully passed away as I held her head, singing our special song to her. 

13. Getting back to the basics. Dinner at the dining room table. Saturday nights in our pj's. Walks in the park. Weekend getaways with no real plans. Movie nights with a bottle of cheap wine. Grocery shopping. Breakfast in bed. Casual Sunday afternoons with friends. Taking time to find the awesomeness of the everyday. While some of these things started to save money or because we were just worn out, they made us happy. We took note and started making an effort to get back to a point where we took in the little things and felt fulfilled even when doing normally unimpressive things.

Merry Christmas from the Martin Family

Icemageddon 2013: A Blessing in Disguise

I had another blog planned for this weekend, but then the winter storm came to town. What started as a simple ice day, turned into Icemageddon with people home bound for 3 days and many without power. We are talking 4-5 inches of sleet that after 24 hours turned into solid sheets of thick, slippery ice! Of course it is December and that means we already had full weekend planned that I had been looking forward to

At first I was a combination of stressed, freaked out and mad. Pier 1 didn't close Friday, only a delayed opening. I have only been there a month and I was so freaked out that I would be in trouble if I couldn't get to work. Chris was off and planned to drive me, but we couldn't get out of our driveway. Thankfully my boss was completely okay with me not coming in and I was able to stay home. Stress lifted.

Friday morning we stayed in bed and watched movies while we snuggled with the fur babies. We played outside where Dutchess and Gulliver had a blast sliding around. (Fenway wasn't having any of the outside activities) We built a fire and spent the afternoon just enjoying family time.

I loved every minute of it. Seriously, loved it. But was really hoping the roads would clear so that I could attend Christ Chapel's Ladies Christmas Brunch with my family Saturday morning and take the babies for their Santa photos Saturday afternoon. Especially Santa photos!

For those that don't know (I haven't had the heart to write a blog about it yet) we found out in October that Dutchess has Lymphoma. Long story short, we have limited time with her and have been taking each week at a time, trying to make the most of it and not thinking about what we know is coming soon. A week ago we had a scare that it might be almost time when she stopped eating. Thankfully the next day we learned she just didn't like the new oatmeal I bought to mix in her food. She has eaten like a piggie since we realized that and changed her food!

Santa photos with Dr. Young was one of those milestones I was praying Dutchess would make it to. She loves going bye-bye and she gets so excited when people make a fuss over her. I was so excited to make that memory with her and of course have the photo.  As much as I hoped and prayed things would go as planned, I knew in my heart when we went to bed Friday night that we would be iced in another day.

Saturday morning came and sure enough, Icemageddon was in full force. What little traction from the sleet there had been Friday, was now solid ice. Even though I was a little sad, we just rolled with it and planned on making the best of it!

We had breakfast in bed. We snuggled with the babies while we watch Hallmark Christmas movies. We played outside. We laughed. We cried. We cooked dinner and baked. We watched a crazy amount of movies. We drank wine. We made up songs. We danced to crazy made up songs. We spent real, quality time together with no worry of having to be anywhere or do anything. We made amazing memories. Memories we would have never made if it wasn't for being iced in.

Other than getting out to grab some lunch (Chili's never tasted so good and we were able to give our leftovers to a homeless man we passed on the way home) our Sunday was completely the same.

This afternoon, both Kipper and I were talking about how crazy the holiday season always is. We just go nonstop and it took a DFW wide ice storm to get everyone to slow down. For us Icemageddon was a blessing in disguise. Not only did it make us slow down, it was a reminder that we need to make time for weekends like this more often. Or at least a day here or there.

Even though we missed out on several holiday events we were excited about, tonight I am thanking God for this weekend.

Thanking him for helping our family to make memories with Dutchess that are far more special than a trip to have Santa photos. Memories that I will cherish for a lifetime.