In the past, typing the sentence would make me feel like a failure or slacker. This time it doesn't. A lot has been going on in the Martin household and with me personally. Some of these things just popped up, others have been building for months. (And if we are going to be 100% honest, I was dealing with one of the worst spells of depression I have had since going totally med free a year ago.) Yet through the darkness and worry, so many amazing things have happened.
The last few weeks I have spent a lot of time thinking back over the past year and plans I had in store. Only God had very different plans. I wanted more than anything to trust his plan and his timing, but it was a major struggle. At times I found myself angry and feeling helpless. I kept praying for the faith to trust his plan, but often found myself slipping into praying for him to please answer my unanswered prayers.
The biggest of these was for us to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. If you have ever tired to get pregnant and especially those who have struggled with infertility, you will understand what I am saying here. You want nothing more than to do what thousands of unwed teenagers do every week but for some reason it isn't happening. (if one more person told me to just get drunk and "do it" I might have hit someone!) You sob and get depressed when someone announces they are expecting, no matter how much you want to be happy for them. Whenever you are a day late you start to get your hopes up just a little bit, only for granny flow to send them crashing down into the gutter. And don't even get me started on how the news of Kim Kardashian being pregnant set me off.
I started training for my first half marathon and really focused on channeling my energy in to that verses thinking about us not getting pregnant. I have said it before, but I truly have running to thank for saving me and for helping realign my relationship with God. Slowly but surely things started to get better. I was trusting his plan. I knew God wouldn't have put it on our hearts to be parents if it wasn't meant to be.
Fast forward a few months, we got some bad news on testing and I began to prepare myself to hear that it was the end of the road for us having a biological child because we knew we could never afford IVF. I was devastated at this thought but I did the only thing I knew to do - I prayed. I prayed that God would provide a way for us to become parents.
The day before the doctors appointment we found out that as of October 1st Kipper's insurance would began covering IVF!! Trust his plan, he will provide.
Looking back on this last year, I am thankful for those unanswered prayers. Kipper and I are not the same people we were a year ago. We had things we needed to experience, demons we needed to face, opportunities that we needed to take; that all were a very important part of our journey. This has been a year of tremendous growth in the Martin household. God has been helping prepare us for what he has to come and I can say without a doubt in my heart whatever it he has in store will be more amazing than anything I could every dream up.
I have been chomping at the bit to share with everyone our latest news and I will finally be able to do that tomorrow! Yea!!!! Stay tuned! (and no, it isn't a baby...)