Never Alone

For years I suffered and grieved silently as we fought to become parents. There was a breaking point when I realized that it wasn't healthy for me to keep going like that. God didn't mean for us to go through pain alone. Three or so years ago I found comfort and healing in writing about our journey and I promised myself I wouldn't stop with our adoption journey.

When I started to realize that things might not go as planned I started to wish I hadn't been so open about our planning and excitement. Sharing that part of our journey so publicly meant that I couldn't hide the grief from everyone around me. One of the first things I said to Chris was when we are ready to start again and when we are blessed to be matched again, I won't be be so open publicly.

Then the messages started pouring in. I have lost count of them but there was a common theme amongst many of them outside of sorrow for our situation - there was gratitude and thanksgiving. I never imagined that my simple musings about our journey had been pouring such hope and healing into others. There have also been other countless messages of HOPE from my sisters who have walked in our shoes and experienced the heartbreak of a failed adoption.

36 hours later I am so thankful we aren't walking through this grief alone. Chris and I have been overwhelmed by the love and support that has been poured over us. All the messages, phone calls, meals, flowers and wine (you know us well) has been a lifesaver. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for continuing to pray over the girls and their mom. Thank you for giving us grace and space as we figure out how move on.

Right now I don't know exactly where we go from here, but I do know it is forward. And it won't be alone. As one of my sweet sisters said to Chris and I yesterday "We are here for the long haul. Even if we have to take this journey 10 more times, Baby Martin is out there and we are going to bring them home!"

When Yes Becomes No

It is with great sadness and broken hearts that we post the last MarTwins update. Tonight we found out that our expectant momma has decided parent the girls. We don't know much as we found out via a Facebook post, but they both look so healthy and precious.

And as heartbroken as we are that we will not be parenting these precious babies, we went into this journey knowing that this was part of adoption. We promised each other that we would jump in with both feet and surround our expectant momma and her babies with love and prayers. We (and our amazing village) did just that. For nearly 5 months they have been covered in prayer by hundreds of complete strangers and we were able to help support her in one of her greatest times of need.

Even though Chris and I said we would fight and pray for the girls till the end, we both have known in our hearts for a few days that something had changed. We tried to hold on to any little thing, but something had changed. We just didn't have confirmation. As much as we hurt right now, we know God has a plan for us to be parents in His time. We don't regret one bit of how we have traveled this part of the journey. From planning without hesitation, to openly sharing the ups and downs - we regret none of it.

Now is the time for us to step back and grieve. We don't know what our journey looks like from here, but we are going to hold close to God's promise that our time is coming. Please continue to keep the girls and their mom in your prayers as she takes on her new normal. And please keep us and our family in your prayers as we begin to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts and pray for guidance on how to move forward.

Romans 8:18

We have reached the point in our journey where I have muttered more than once that I wish I wouldn't have been so open and transparent about things. I immediately regret that feeling because without that transparency we wouldn't be in this moment right now. Our friends and family, near and far, have been a true Godsend for us as we have traveled this road. We truly couldn't be here without y'all.

With that said, now is the time that I need to ask for grace and little space for our family. As you know our expectant momma didn't deliver on the date she was originally told. For the last week everyone has been in a holding pattern. We all had plans and God reminded us once again that this journey was in His time, not ours.

We are treading in unknown waters and it is scary, but we are remaining faithful even though some days fear tries to get the best of us. I promise as soon as we know something and have news to share we will. But for now please understand if we can't handle talking through things without crying or if just don't want to answer another question. In this moment the answer is "We don't really know anything other than we are giving it to God."

Keep surrounding our expectant momma and her girls (and us) in prayer. Pray God protects all three of them and keeps them healthy. Pray that at the end of the day, God's will for those precious babies is done. Even if that means they aren't meant for our family. And lastly please don't read into any of this. As far as we know nothing has changed except the timeline.

Thankful Reflection

This time last year at Party on the Patio, as rain poured down in buckets around us and we drank our second (or third?) margaritas -a conversation that changed everything took place. I will never forget how it started - "I want to ask you something and I don't want you to say no!"  Then she proceeded to tell me how she wanted to do some sort of fundraiser to help us with our adoption journey.

Just days before this Chris and I had talked about how we were going to have to humble ourselves and accept the help from others. We couldn't take this journey alone - financially, emotionally or spiritually. Saying yes to my dear friend that night has allowed so many doors to be opened for us on this journey. It was fitting that while I am struggling with the wait and unknown I was brought back to that moment one year ago.

We wouldn't be where we are without our friends and family, but we really couldn't without Amy. She is always the first to ask "What can we do?" or "How can I pray for you?" Tonight I am thankful for the chain of events that lead us to each other. I am thankful for a friend who has helped push me out of my comfort zones - spiritually, emotionally and physically. We couldn't have made it to this moment without her.

God's Guiding Hand

If I walk away from today with one absolute it is that God's hand is guiding this journey. Many days I try to throw myself into work projects and not think about all the what if's and how hard waiting it.

Today that wasn't an option and it was really tough.

I am thankful for the people He has placed in our lives who continue to walk this journey with us. I am especially thankful for the times He uses others to lift up and encourage us. If you ever have that feeling that God has laid something on your heart to share with someone else - don't ignore it - it is happening for a reason! Tonight I am especially thankful for friends who didn't ignore that nagging feeling on their hearts and the peace the words they had to share offered.

Prayerful Fast

Tomorrow Chris and I will be doing a prayerful day of fasting. We would like to invite our friends and family to join alongside of us throughout the day on praying for our expectant mom and her girls.

It is a long story, but we no longer have a definitive timeline for delivery and we probably won't have one. Because of that and other factors we are praying for God's protection for her and the girls. Praying that they all remain healthy and that when the time comes, the birth is without complication. And lastly in these last days of waiting, we pray for strength and grace for everyone involved.

His Timing, Not Ours

These lyrics have been playing through my head all day and now I know why. I know many of you are stalking our page for MarTwin updates. We had originally been told that May 4th would be the longest she would allowed go, but the doctor she saw at the clinic today disagreed.

Without going into details there are a lot of unknowns in our timeline right now. It is frustrating as our precious expectant momma is in a lot of pain and discomfort from various complications. Oh and just the normal things that go with being nearly 37 weeks pregnant with twins.

The Martin’s are planners and you would think by this time in our nearly 7 year journey we would know better than to make our own plans. Sure enough we have planned and focused for this week and once again God has reminded us that this is HIS timing, not ours. So for now we continue to pray feverishly for our expectant momma and her girls. And even in moments when we feel weak we will force ourselves to be still and know that He has this.