Tuesday, January 29, 2013

All Aboard The Allie Coaster

I am always one for a good roller coaster ride and the last few years of my life has felt like a non-stop trip on the craziest coaster I have ever rode. Tonight I invite you for a short spin on the Allie Coaster...proceed with caution.  

I have always had issues with being hypersensitive to certain smells. For as long as I can remember the detergent aisle at the grocery story made my stomach turn. I had perfected holding my breath long enough to get down the aisle by the time was a teenager. (Sadly a trick I still use today.) Then there is anything that remotely smells like fish. And don't even get me started on the smell of lavender and my daily battle with my lavender loving hubby.

But lately I have noticed I have become very sensitive to touching certain things, especially paper. (Trust me, it sounds as crazy to me as it does you, but seriously it makes my skin crawl just to think about it sometimes.)  I remember construction paper bothering me a little when I was younger, but nothing like what I have dealt with the last 2 weeks. I often joke about being crazy, but this has made me really start to think I needed to be checked into a psych ward - STAT!

As it turns out this is apparently this is another lovely side affect of my ADHD that was kept in line when I was on crazy amounts of Adderall XR. My first thought was I needed to get back on a higher dose of meds because I left like I was losing it.

After calming down I reflect over what I have  been through over the last year to get to the point I am today. A few weeks shy of a year ago, Kipper and I embarked on our journey to become parents. (Original post can be found here)  In the last year I have gone from being on the highest legal dose of Adderall XR to knowing that while extremely hard, I can function without it if I have to.

I wish I would have blogged more about my experience this last year because it is often hard for me to explain it, even though every major step is so vivid to me.  Days I couldn't get out of bed or I struggle to just stay awake even though I had slept 12 hours. The raging food cravings that if I would give in I could eat a weeks worth of calories in one day. The added social anxiety. And the emotional stress it has caused on my marriage. (I thank God everyday I have such an amazing husband who has stood by me at my worst)

Yet through it all, one thing has kept me going. One day, when we finally meet Baby Martin it will all be worth it!  This journey has been  an emotional roller coaster to say the least. While I feel like we have come so far, really we just made it over the first major hill and I know we have a long way to go. I just tell myself everyday to trust God's plan (which truthfully is easier some days than others) and to keep focused on becoming a healthier me.

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