Dear Future Birth Mother

Disclaimer: Over the last 9+ months Planned Parenthood has been a hot button topic in the news, conversations and social media.  While Mr. Martin loves a good political debate/conversation Mrs. Martin tends to shy away from them.  I have had a decade long struggle with my thoughts on Planned Parenthood. I am that weird Pro-Lifer who actually thinks that defunding Planned Parenthood will increase abortions, but this isn't about that.  I am not wanting to start a debate or shame anyone. I have dear friends, who I respect the heck out of, on both sides of this issue. Friends who have real experience on all sides of the issue. And while this isn't a new debate or conversation, this time around it has weighed on my heart more than ever before. I am sure our personal situation and journey to parenthood has a lot to do with that. This post is my response to the lump in my throat and ache in my heart that has lingered for the last several months watching the mud slinging over the latest Planned Parenthood controversy. After sitting in my draft box for nearly a year, I had sort of forgotten I even wrote this. But during prayer over the last few days I remembered it and today I felt this overwhelming need to publicly share.  


June 14, 2015


Dear Future Birth Mother,

I have been thinking a lot about you lately. I don't know you. At least I don't think I do. I don't know where you live or even how old you are. Sometimes I try to imagine you and your situation. Are you a young teenager or a college student? Maybe a young woman who is struggling to make it week to week. Or is your situation more dire? Do you struggle with an addiction or are you in an unhealthy relationship? I wish I could know more about you so I could be more specific when I pray for you each day.

Right now you aren't even pregnant and given our timeline it could be a year, maybe more before you are. Maybe you know the birth father or you might not have even met him yet, but I am still praying for you both.  I pray that even though you have no idea what is coming God is helping to prepare your hearts.

I often think about you in the moment you find out you are pregnant. I can only imagine the emotions you will feel as you stare down at those two pink lines for the first time. In those moments when you might possibly feel like your world is crashing down around you, I pray that you feel the presence of God with you. As you run through the emotions of feeling helpless, scared, alone, even angry - I pray that God will give you strength and a sense of peace that in the end things will be okay.

Because I don't know you or your situation, I don't know what type of support system you have or how those around you will react. In a perfect world I imagine you with a loving and supportive family and group of friends. They will stand by you, love you and never show judgement. I also know that we don't live in a perfect world so I pray that no matter your situation you have at least one person you can trust who will love you, support you, and never judge you.

I pray that they will walk beside you through your journey and as you make a decision of how to move forward. As you weigh your options I pray that God is there guiding your heart; giving you strength and wisdom. I pray that if you feel abortion is your only option or if you are being pressured into that decision that God puts the right people in your life at the right moment to show you there is another option. That there are families, like ours, who would love nothing more than to give your child the life you could only dream of giving them.

When the day comes that you decide that placing your child for adoption is the best choice, I pray for peace and comfort. I imagine that decision will be one of the hardest, if not the hardest one you will ever make. It is also one of the most selfless decisions anyone women can make and I know is made out of pure love for your child.

As you begin the journey to choose a family and you pour through adoption profile books, I pray that our family is the answer to your prayers for your child. I hope that in that profile you are able to see our hearts, our love for each other, and our desire to serve others. And if we are able to meet, I pray that we are able to confirm all those feelings you felt reading our profile.  I pray that you find comfort in knowing that you have found a family that will raise your precious child (with the help of a generous village of friends and family) to always know the beautiful gift their mother gave them and to never take a moment of it for granted.

And when the day comes for you to sign the papers, I pray that you still have the same peace and comfort you felt when you decided we were the family for you. I can't even imagine the emotions you are feeling. For me I pray that in all our excitement of becoming parents, I never lose sight of the fact that one of our most joyous days is one of your most painful. I pray that in even in your pain, you feel loved, supported and comforted not only by God but those around you. Us included. While I know every adoption is different and there is no way to know right now how open ours will be in the end - I pray that God will guide all of our hearts to the perfect arrangement that isn't just best for the child, but for you as well.

Even though I don't know you yet, I think about you and pray for you every day. And I imagine someday when I am looking into that precious baby's eyes, I will still think about you. I will think about how brave and selfless you were. How in world where you had other options, you choose life. And even though I don't know you yet, I am already beyond thankful for you and in an unexplainable way, I carry a piece of you in my heart.

Until our paths cross,
Allie

Yellow Shoe Diaries: I Never Want To Forget What Today Felt Like

I never want to forget what today felt like. 

The last minute panic over what I was wearing. 

The mix of nerves and excitement as I made my way up to the start line with up AJ, Jen and Garrison.

 

The moment it hit me for the first time ever I was actually able to pace with AJ and we were running together. And taking silly selfies. 

The brief moments of doubt and the overwhelming peace that quickly followed. 

The moment I realized I was running a race far greater than I could imagined. 

The joy that seeing Kipper and Watts along the route brought me. 

And that last mile. Oh that last mile. My body ached and my emotions were high. I never want to forget that last turn to the finish. The salty tears streaming down my face and my favorite Chris Tomlin song turned up just enough so I could hear it over the crowd. 

Then crossing the same finish line where this crazy dream started. It was surreal. It was so special. It was a defining moment for me as a runner.

Being able to text Lil' Polley my results and her ecstatic response.  

Meeting Jen on the back half of the course and being able to run her across the 20 mile mark and the final bit into the park. 

Watching and cheering Jen cross the finish line of her first Full Marathon! 

And the huge smile that was apparently plastered on my face during every single phase of the day. 

No mater where my journey leads next these are moments I never want to lose sight of. Moments that were all made possible through God's love and amazing grace.  

Yellow Shoe Diaries: One Week To Go

Today was my last long run Sunday before the big day! The next week will be all about hydration, nutrition, relaxation and mental preparation. (With a big emphasis on the mental part!) This season of training has been unlike any before. I am experiencing a weird mixture of confidence and fear. I know what I am capable of. I just have to keep believing in that and stop worrying about the perfect racing conditions. 

Last year was the exact opposite of of perfect conditions and it was an incredible day.  I have learned that while the weather does affect me some, having my heart and mind in the right place is so much more important. In moments of doubt and fear God had carried me. Mental preparation for me is really spiritual preparation. I don't run for my own glory - I run for His glory. 

I just need to accept that I don't know what the outcome of my personal race will be, but I do know it will be an epic day for our little running tribe. Jen is taking on her first full marathon and I can't wait to finish my race so we can cheer her through the back half of the course.  And our newest (and youngest) recruit, Garrison, is taking in his first half. 14 years old and running a half marathon! 

Now for the next week to fly by and Mother Nature to remember to take her crazy pills just in case.

Yellow Shoe Diaries: Worst. Training. Run. Ever.

Running is a humbling sport. 

Today I had my worst long run of this year. Maybe ever. I decided to share this not for sympathy or admiration but because I often look at old running posts when I need inspiration. And I am pretty sure future Allie needs to remember today. 

Mother Nature set the stage for a great 10 miles with gorgeous weather. Seriously is was like an Spring day in late March or early April, but in January. Of course to keep things interesting Mother Nature also threw in some awesome cramps. Every step it felt like I was being stabbed in the stomach with a knife. Sometimes being a girl really sucks. 

By mile 3 I considered calling it a day because I was so off pace and hurting badly. By the time I made it to mile 7 I was still moving slower than I needed but was starting to feel a little better. That was until a group of 7-8 year old boys started "cheering" me on by chanting "Run Fatty, Run!" 

AYFKMRN?!?! 

I would be lying if I said I didn't want to flip them off or knock on their parents door. But then I started thinking how lots of kids learn their behavior from their parents and I was a little scared of what the response would be if I did knock on their door. I just kept going. I would also be lying if I said I didn't shed a tear or two over the next mile or so. I didn't cry because they hurt my feelings. I am fully aware I am a bigger girl. No one looks at me and says, "Oh that girl is totally a runner!" 
The tears that were falling were tears of pride. 

I had every reason to stay on the couch with a heating pad today, but I didn't. I had every reason to quit at mile 3 when Kipper offered to come get me if I was in too much pain, but I didn't. Today I dug deep, gave what I could and made it just over 9 miles. Today I am thankful for the reminder that in the long run of this journey, the accomplishments on my worst days are just as sweet (sometimes sweeter) than setting a PR on my best days.

Bold and Brave in 2016

I have been doing a lot of thinking on what my overall focus for myself would be for 2016. So much so that we are half way through January and I am just now ready to put this out there. Last year was all about breaking down walls and making myself uncomfortable. I still have some work to do in that area, but this year I want to build on that by being bold and brave.

You see I have always been a creative and used to think of myself as somewhat of a free spirit. The older I get the more I realize while I have been blessed with a creative mind that loves to day dream, but I am FAR from a free spirit. I tend to be practical and a worrier. I am a creature of habit. I over analyze things that really don't need that much thought. I started to realize this past year that often times my creativity and sense of adventure is muffled by my practical side. And fear.

Which brings me to the point of this post - living bold and brave in 2016! I have to stop muffling gifts God has given me because in my head things don't seem practical. Practical has become a new word for comfortable in my life. I read a blog post last year that I wish I could find because there was a paragraph that was amazing. It talked about how God doesn't call us to things that are easy or meant to be comfortable. Following His plan often means things might seem messy in our heads and won't neatly fit into our color coded planner. I am pretty sure the author was speaking directly to me.

Living bold and brave doesn't mean I am going to drop everything and run away with the circus. (although there is this awesome circus school in Dallas that looks like a blast!) Or suddenly lose all manners and tell everyone exactly what I think in that moment. Honestly I am not 100% sure what it will look like, but here is where I am starting.

1. Pray Boldly. Sometimes I find that there are things that I want to pray for but I hold back. I am not sure why, because my hesitation doesn't come from a doubt in Him. For some reason I feel more comfortable praying boldly for others situations, but not always for my own. When I do step out in faith and pray boldly the spiritual reward has been incredible. If this is something you struggle with you might be interested in this great blog post I read on Proverbs 31. It was incredibly helpful to me and said what I was feeling better than I could. 

2. Bravely Follow. In line with praying boldly, I have to be ready to bravely follow. I can recall several times in my life when God spoke to me, but I let fear hold me back. I am much better than I used to be at this but there is still so much room for growth. This means letting go of worry over what others will think. It means getting uncomfortable. It means a world of possibilities far more amazing than I could imagine. 

3. Boldly and Bravely Adventure. We aren't talking cliff diving or anything too crazy here. Last years goal of getting out of my comfort zone was really focused on my weight and working out. This year I want to keep that momentum going, but hitting all aspects of my life.  For starters I know as soon as Cowtown is over I am going to face my fear of taking my bike out on the trail. I have let the fear that has been building from my wreck keep me inside far too long. I  just want to wait till after I set a new PR at Cowtown just in case! (I told you I wasn't going to go too crazy!) Maybe I'll try a type of cuisine that I am pretty sure I will hate. Or finally put aside the fear of failure and start my Etsy shop back up. I don't quite know where this goal will take me, but I am excited to see.

Outside of these three key areas I still have other goals and areas I want to make sure I am always incorporating being bold and brave. Running, giving and saving are three that immediately come to mind.

Feel free to ask me periodically how things are going. I welcome the accountability. And if you have been feeling like you need a change - join me!!  How could stepping out of your comfort zone change you? Think about all the incredible things that could happen in 2016 if we are just bold enough to ask and brave enough to listen when He answers!

Yellow Shoe Diaries: Titanic Kind of Day

Some runs I feel like I could fly. And some runs feel like I weigh 500 pounds and I am dragging the Titanic behind me. First long run of 2016 and it was a Titanic kind of day.

I walked in the door afterwards beating myself up about it. Then I realized something. I had three choices this morning: say screw it and go home, take the easy flat loop, or suck it up and run hills. Two years ago I would have gone home. A year ago I would have taken the easy route. Today I ran mile after mile of hills. I knew that my pace would be crap but I also knew in the long run time on those hills would make a bigger difference come race day than a faster pace on a random training run. Just took a little perspective to help me remember that some progress can't be seen in distance or pace.

Sending Out 2015 With A Bang!

We are only a few hours away from ringing in 2016 and for the first time I don't know how many years we are sitting at home in our pajamas while our friends celebrate at G and Bo's resort, Lush, out on PK. Originally we were supposed to be on vacation but sweet Fenway's bad eye got an infection and the surgery was supposed to have this Spring got moved up to New Year's Eve!

Over the last few days as we have been home bound administering eye drops to Fenway every hour on the hour, I had a lot of time to reflect on the past year. In January I poured my heart out and I set out to make some changes. The biggest being to break down a wall and step out of my comfort zone.

365 days later I am proud of myself that even though some months were harder than others, I did what I set out to do. And I am better for it. I faced my fears of tracking my food. I learned to believe in myself when it comes to running. In turn I lost 30 pounds and set new Half, 15k, 10k and 5k PRs! I finally got a bike - Princess Sparkle Unicorn. And then crashed it into a bridge the first time I hit the trails. I was able to find a new passion in giving back through The Birthday Party Project and had a blast sharing my birthday by raising money for one of my new favorite causes!

Kipper finished his second Ironman 70.3, changed jobs at Cook and was accepted to TCC's accelerated nursing school program. Once school started our lives turned upside down for the first few months, but as expected he is doing great and is now 8 months away from graduating. Oh and in the middle of all that he had surgery to remove Hector (ended up being a cyst) from his neck.

Together we celebrated our 11th Wedding Anniversary. Enjoyed a few road trips and adventure days. Made some home improvements. Drank some really great and some not so great wine. And most importantly laughed.  A lot.

Oh, and after 15 years together I finally got Kipper to dress up in a couples costume with me. Although simple, this was a big deal! 

And in keeping in the spirit of stepping out of my comfort zone, Kipper and I agreed to be part of an article for 360 West Magazine about normal people who made significant lifestyle changes and stuck with them. If including how much I weighed when I ran my full marathon in my blog wasn't hard enough, it is now in print of pretty a popular local magazine. A year ago there is NO way I would have been okay with that. As scary as it was for me, I told Kipper if it inspired just one girl who was in search of a change it would be worth it. Fingers crossed that mission was accomplished. For those wanting to read the full article you can find it here.

The boys had a pretty big year too! They have found a love for dining al fresco and all the attention that comes with it. While I miss having a girl in the family, we have enjoyed all the fun outings that we could have never done with three babies. The boys were not a big fan of their Daddy going back to school because he always had a book or a laptop in his lap, but they adjusted after a few weeks. We also learned Fenway has a hereditary eye disease, which lead to his NYE surgery. The poor guy has spent at nearly 2 1/2 months of the year in the "cone of shame" but has been such a trooper.  And Gulliver has been beyond sweet. He is just ready for his playmate to be all better so he has someone to chase in the backyard. 

This year had its highs and lows, but in over all it was a pretty incredible year. We have so much to be thankful for it is hard to do it justice in one short blog, but I think this pretty much sums it up:

In 2015: We pushed and challenged ourselves. We achieved goals that before seemed impossible. We stumbled, but picked ourselves up. We experienced God moving in our lives. We laughed ourselves silly and a few times cried ourselves to sleep. (Ok that last past was mainly me) We grew as a couple, but also individually. We took risks and went on adventures. We shared moments of celebration and moments of sorrow with those we hold dear. We faced some pretty big fears and challenges, but overcame them with the love and support of family and friends. We had hard conversations and shared in authentic fellowship with friends. We learned more than one should know about the canine eyeball. We found new passions. We loved deeply and soaked up every moment - the good and the bad - this year had to offer. Even though 2015 ended on a rough patch 2016 has big shoes to fill! Bring it on 2016!