Over the last few weeks I feel like we have been sent through an extra spin cycle in the washing machine. Kipper started nursing school and a new crazy schedule at work. This also means re-figuring our weekly finances since he is working less hours because of school. Because that wasn't enough my body decided that it was also a great time for me to get really sick. Then there was Kipper's trip to the ER for a weird growth on his neck (Praise God it isn't life threatening and we are seeing the ENT in a few weeks!) Fenway's allergies were out of control causing him to reverse sneeze and randomly throw up on us in the middle of the night. Oh and he scratched his freaking eye again. And to top it all off I was hard headed and pushed myself too hard, too fast in my workouts after being sick and got really dehydrated. Thus making me sick again.This was our warm welcome to our new normal or at least for the next 15 months. And as stressful and hectic as those weeks have been they have also been a huge reminder of one of the biggest blessings in my life - my husband.
During these few weeks he has been exhausted from switching to nights at work and stressed out over the fire hydrant of information he has to get down in less than 6 weeks for the first part of the program. He has turned his life upside down with one goal when it is all done - be able to provide for our hopefully growing family. With all that was going on I would understand if he wasn't present like normal or a little more selfish with his time. But it isn't like that at all.
He takes the time to make sure I am eating well and taking care of myself. He makes a point to remind me that I am appreciated. He encourages me to go out and have fun, even when he can't join me. He still tries to help around the house as much as he can (because lets be honest...he is terrified of what our house would look like if I was left solely in charge of all things domestic.) He has taken the time to go fill my car up with gas so I didn't have to. He has brought home flowers, just because. On nights when he needs to stay up late studying, he still makes it a priority to tuck me into bed and say our nightly prayers. And he even bought a bike trainer so he could ride in the living room and be able to hang out with me, verses spending more time away from the family by riding outside.I have always thought Kipper hung the moon. Even before I realized I had any romantic feeling for him and we were just friends, I knew he was pretty awesome. Yet over the last 4 or 5 years he has gone through an amazing transformation that has made him an even better husband. The last month has reminded me how blessed I truly am by our marriage.
But if am being honest and painting the whole picture, I feel really guilty. He has put so much pressure on himself and has had a rough few days. Much of my prayer time over the last few weeks has revolved around him and how I wish there was something more (other than being more domestic than normal) that I could do to help shoulder some of the weight he is carrying right now.
Over the course of our relationship I have learned most of the time I believe in him long before he believes in himself and vice versa. For many years I have believed his calling was in nursing, it just took him a while to realize that is the path he needed to take. When he applied to this accelerated nursing program there was never a doubt in my mind that he would get in. And now he is facing the next big challenge - 1 test that decides if he will be allowed to continue in the accelerated program. And again, I believe with all my heart he can do this.The closer the test gets, the more his worry has set in. This is where my guilt really comes into play because I know so much of that pressure is because if he knows if doesn't become a nurse we aren't sure how we will make our adoption happen. He is has carried that stress and worry for the last 6 weeks, so concerned that if he can't do it that I will be heartbroken and disappointed in him.
But how could I be disappointed in him because of that? He has worked so hard, studying hours on end and sacrificing things he loves. He was brave enough to step up, put himself out there and try. That is more than most people would do. I could never be disappointed in him for that.
Sure I might be heartbroken, but not for the reason he thinks. If I have learned one thing during our long, still winding road to parenthood it is this - God will provide we just have to trust his plan. Every time we thought we were at the end and out of options, he has provided us with new hope and a new way. It might require more discipline or strength, but God will provide. The only reason my heart will be broken is because I don't ever want to see him in pain or upset and I know he would be.
So basically long story long - I do know what I can do to help and that is to continue to feverishly pray for him. And today I am asking our friends and family to do the same. I normally don't feel comfortable making public asks for prayer but over the last 2 days I have felt in my heart to put this out there. If you don't mind, please join me in praying for clarity and peace of mind as he goes into his test. Pray that he can let go of the stress and have confidence in himself. And pray that no matter the outcome God's will is done.
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