Here Lately - Making Peace When Things Aren't Perfect

How is it already June?!? Seriously the last 2 months are a crazy blur but here we are the first week

of June. The fact I spent the last week sick as a dog is more than likely a result of those blurry weeks and my body saying enough is enough.

When I wrote about my 100 day progress I set new goals for the next 100 days. Since I'm just over 50 days into that time frame I decided to do a little check in to hold myself accountable.

   1. Eat more protein. Some days are better than others but I still need a lot of work here. What can I say, I'm a carb loving Polish girl! My plan now is to start trying to trick my mind into thinking I am getting tons of carbs while actually getting extra protein with things like protein pancakes! 

   2. Go to bed earlier.  Let's just skip this one for now. Its an area of opportunity to say the least. 

   3. Set a new half marathon PR.  Not yet and honestly it will be a stretch. I was supposed to run a night half at the end of May. A few weeks before I started having knee pain in both knees that I had never had before. Thankfully it wasn't my knees, but in fact extremely tight quads that were pulling on my knees. Silly me thought the tightness in my quads my legs firming up. Apparently it was just my muscles turning into rocks! ha! Since my coach, husband and doctor all encouraged me to sit this race out so I didn't run. As the temps start to rise I'm not going to put the pressure on myself to PR in a June or July race. If it happens, awesome. If it doesn't, that's okay too. I can chase that goal this Fall. 

   4. Prepare more meals.  Does reheating chicken count? 

   5. Keep making myself uncomfortable.  Without a doubt this is the one area I have forced myself to stick with. From taking part in small group discussions I would have normally only listened in on to going sleeveless somewhere other than the gym. I even tired sushi! Alone none of these things are life altering but they are positive growth that I wouldn't have ever imagined a year ago. 

So there it is. Things haven't gone smoothly or at all how I had planned them. Aside from those 5 goals I have struggled with some other areas as well. I've missed entering a few snacks and probably some wine into my food log. I have missed or cut short some workouts. I'm still not a domestic goddess. Things haven't been tied up in a pretty little bow. 

Writing it all out makes the little OCD Allie in my head start to freak out a little bit. She starts telling me that I have failed but for once I know I have made some significant personal growth because I can easily tell her to shove it. I wasn't perfect. I didn't completely stick to the plan. And that's okay. 

This journey is about long term life changes. It is about balance. It is about learning to truly live in the moment. This journey isn't a fad or a chapter of my life. Those are the reminders that give me peace when that nagging little Allie starts in on me. Life is messy, but that is what makes it beautiful and exciting! 

In the last 50 days:

• I watched Kipper complete his second Half Ironman, 
• I met new friends. 
• I deepened my relationship of God. 
• I stayed out way too late with girlfriends. 
• I had incredibly meaningful and heartfelt conversations with my best girlfriends. 
• I gave back to my community.
• I shared treasured moments with family. 
• I learned new things. 
• I had adventures Princess Bryn. 
• I tried new restaurants/food. 
• I enjoyed the simple things. 
• I lost 4 more pounds. 
• I laughed till it hurt.
• I bought new running shoes. 
• I bought smaller pants. 
• I looked in the mirror at the gym and for once the voice in my head didn't get in the way - I didn't completely hate what I saw (so I took a selfie to remember the day! Exhibit A)  

• I danced myself silly. 
• I ate WAY too much sugar. 
• I ran some amazing and some not so amazing miles. 
• I celebrated people I love. 
• I cried both tears of joy and frustration. 
• I fell in love with my job, again. 
• I washed a lot of muddy paws. 
• I made some questionable fashion statements. 
• I found joy in my doodles and painting.
• I have loved deeply.
• I admitted my mistakes. 
• I didn't give up. 

In the last 50 day I truly lived my wonderfully messy life! 

Half Iron Kipper - Round 2

It has been an insane week at work and at home. Actually this whole month has been that way. It is just that time of year. I keep telling myself I just have to make it through the next 10 days and we are home free. Which is sort of a lie since the 2 weeks following that are crazy at work preparing for our first Associate Celebration. But everyone who knows me knows I wouldn't have it any other way. I have been really good about learning to say no and not over scheduling myself, but every so often old, over-committed Allie needs her fill and the spring never disappoints! And it doesn't hurt that I love everything I'm doing and have been having a ton of fun along the way. If it was yard or house work tying me down, that would be a different story!

But the real reason for this post - in roughly 72 hours Mr. Martin will be taking on his second Ironman 70.3, this time in Galveston. It is so hard to believe that it has been 6 months since Round 1 in Austin. 

I'm still not sure I can ever explain the immense pride and happiness I felt for Kipper that day.  To be a witness to him achieving a dream that he would have never imagined just four short years ago was incredible. Watching him cross that finish line made every moment of sacrifice to get him there worth it. Even having to wash all those freaking water bottles - it was worth it! 

This time has been a little different. Life has gotten in the way a little more than I think he would have liked. He has been working more, training for a new job and trying to get into nursing school (which he did by the way!)   Last year I wasn't really committed to my own training, just running as I saw fit. This time around I have been focused on my own goals and in turn not as helpful as I wished I would have been. We had to find a new balance and while it wasn't perfect, we made it work. 

Because I have been so busy, this weekend has sort of snuck up on me. Suddenly all the nervous that I had over the course of a few weeks last time have hit me today. I know he will do a great job, but it is my job to worry about him. :)  I will say the fact that I have nothing packed, that I currently have no shorts that actually fit and that I have done relatively no research on anything regarding this weekend does help me forget about the worry a bit! 

Plus this trip will be a lot of fun. Since he has done it before I think he will be able to relax a bit and there is a huge group going from Trident. We are actually renting beach house with a few other couples which will be a huge step up that our accommodates last go round. (Just be careful when you tell your husband not to spend too much on a hotel room you will never be in. I tend to enjoy a hotel lobby that has simple things like flooring...unlike where we stayed for Austin) 

Now for our friends at home! If you would like to follow along this weekend there are a few ways you can:

1. Follow my Instagram/Facebook posts #halfironkipper 
2. Follow the athlete tracker on the Ironman website. His bib is1362
3. Watch the live feed from the finish line 

I know I speak for both Kipper and I when I say how thankful we are for the love and support we get from our friends and family. We truly couldn't do it without that support. From training friends, to my sweet Momma for staying with the boys and our friends who always encourage and pray - thank you!  As always I ask that you keep Kipper (and the other athletes) in your thoughts and prayers this weekend.  His wave is slated to hit the water at 7:28 a.m. Sunday morning. If you don't mind, please stop and say a prayer at 7:28. Pray for a safe, injury free race. Pray for peace of mind. Pray for endurance. And most of all pray that God is glorified every step of the way. 

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One Hundred Days

Yesterday marked the one hundredth day of this chapter! 100 days of facing fears, pushing the limit on my comfort zone and truly learning to believe in myself. I figured it was the perfect time catch everyone up and reevaluate my goals moving forward.

What have I been up?

1. Tracking my food. As you all know, this was one of the toughest things for me. Tracking my food gave me such anxiety, but somehow I have survived for 100 days without missing a beat. I am talking vacation, busy weeks at work, even days I just didn't want to mess with it - I stuck to my plan! Now I would be lying if I didn't admit that there are some days that it still gives me a little anxiety, especially when I don't have control over what is being served. Yet it isn't nearly as scary as I built it up to be and it is so nice to be able to look at my daily intake with a healthy mindset. 

2. Breaking habits.  I wanted everything I was doing to be a lifestyle change, not just a phase. In order for that to happen I had to break some bad habits. First and foremost the one I am most proud of is my breakup with Diet Dr. Pepper! I gave up regular Dr. Pepper about 5 years ago but was addicted to Diet Dr. Pepper in a bad way. Before I came to work at Pier 1 Imports I would drink at least 1 Route 44 Diet Dr. Pepper a day!! I had finally gotten myself down to one can a day by the end of last year but anytime I tried to go more than a day I would get a terrible headache.  After fighting through that I was able to get down to a half a can a day and then just a can every few days. I am now to the point that I am fine without them. That doesn't mean I won't ever drink another soft drink in my life but I certainly don't depend on them or crave them anymore. 

3. Setting new records. This has honestly been the most exciting part to me. In the last 100 days I have pushed myself harder than I ever thought I could go as a runner. I never thought I would get much faster. When I hired a coach I had a goal but I wasn't sure it was possible in the short time frame I had give myself, especially coming off an injury. Yet somewhere along the way it all clicked (get the full story here) and I have cut nearly 3 minutes off what I used to consider my normal pace. Before my goal was always just to finish because setting anything more aggressive made me feel like I was setting myself up for failure. Don't get me wrong - there will still be plenty of races where the only goal is to have fun and finish. As proud as I am of my the PR's I have sent in the last 2 1/2 months, I am ready to crush them with a new PR! 

4. Victories on and off the scale. While it was very important to me that this NOT only be about a number on a scale, losing weight was part of the goal. Since I have been tracking my food and increased my calories I have lost 25 pounds and nearly 2 pant sizes! What is even more exciting to me though is how my body is changing. I feel stronger than I ever have. When I look in the mirror in my mind I don't look like I have lost 25 pounds, but I love the changes I am seeing. And even more so I love how I feel! 

5. Finding balance. Balance is something that I have been working on for a year or so. Learning to say no and basically stopping the glorification of "busy." Even though I have been running for almost 4 years now I have never been good at balancing working out when life gets in the way. I would either ignore training or just be totally anti-social.  I'm still a work in progress here but I am proud of myself for maintaining some sort of balance between training, work, family, friends and social engagements. So far April has proved to be the biggest challenge. If I can keep some sort of balance the rest of this month I will consider that one for the win column. 

What's in store for the next 100 days? 

1. Eat more protein. Now that I have gotten the hang of tracking my food and eating enough calories I really want to start focusing on increasing my protein intake. 

2. Go to bed earlier.  I'm a night owl, always have been. The last few months I have worked on making myself go to bed earlier, but not consistently. 

3. Set a new half marathon PR.  I have a goal I want to reach by the end May - a 2:45 finish. That would be cutting nearly 14 minutes off my time so I know it will be a stretch in this short of time. Although I keep surprising myself so I know anything is possible. 

4. Prepare more meals.  Kipper is the chef in our family and too often I rely on him to cook my meals. With his work and training schedule it is sometimes hard for him to make that happen. I want make more of an effort to learn how to cook meals that I enjoy so that I can do all of my meal prep myself. 

5. Keep making myself uncomfortable. Either big or small, I don't want to settle. I am challenging myself to do at least one thing outside of my comfort zone each week. 

So what are you going to do with your next 100 days?? 

Hello Awesome: Finding the Courage to Believe

February in Texas is always a little unpredictable. One week you have highs in the 80's and the next week you are hit with Thundersleet and mass school closures. So when you sign up for a February race you just have to be prepared that Mother Nature might not be on her meds that week and you could have basically any extreme.

As many of you know I had been working my tail off training for this year's Cowtown Half Marathon. It was going to be my PR race and if everything went just right I was going to run my first sub 3 hour half.  While that seems so slow compared to many of my running friends, this was a BIG deal for me.

I can honestly say I put more heart and soul into my training than I have ever had, with maybe the exception of my first half marathon. For so long I had just accepted the fact that I was a slow runner I never really tried to get any faster, finishing was all that really mattered. When I finally decided that I wanted to get faster I hired a coach and went all in. In order to really tell my race day story, I have to give you a little back story as well! :)

My sweet (and super fast!!) friend Little Amy would always tell me, "You are faster than you think. You can run faster."  Her encouragement is part of what got me to the point of wanting to get faster but I didn't truly believe those words. Even though I was getting faster and seeing results each workout, in the back of my mind I was still that slow girl I had come to identify with. Then one day that all changed.

AJ, Jen, Kipper and I all signed up to run the Hot Chocolate 15k in Dallas the first weekend of February. It was COLD, but thankfully sunny. In order to avoid standing in the wind any longer we jumped up several corrals so we could just get started.

For the first mile I knew was going too fast. I was keeping up with AJ but I wanted to get through the crowd so I could set into my pace. The course had quite a few more hills than I expected but I was feeling really good. I use Map My Run and each mile a voice come on and tells you your pace for the last mile, as well as your overall average pace. At Mile 7 I started to panic!! I ran 12:45 mile and was averaging right around 13:00. I started to slow up a bit telling myself "I don't run that fast! I better slow down or I won't make it!" Then something clicked. I do run that fast, I had just gone 7 miles that fast and still felt really, really good!! I will never forget that moment. At Mile 7 everything changed.

Fast forward a few weeks to the week of Cowtown. It is expected to be cold and rainy both Saturday for the 5k and Sunday for the Half.  Naturally I started to panic about the rain.  If it was bad on Saturday I wasn't going to risk slipping on wet roads and would just hold off for the Half on Sunday. Little did I know that rain was going to be the least of my concerns.

Come Thursday the sleet and snow from the week before decided to make a reappearance. I was glued to the Cowtown Marathon Facebook, page waiting for updates.

Friday morning came the first announcement: Expo was not opening on Friday and Saturday's races were canceled. At that point I was fine. We were only doing the 5k for fun and to earn the challenge medal. We would have to wait till Saturday to see what would happen so Kipper and I settled in for a fun snow day.

Saturday morning we got word that the Expo would open at 1:00 p.m. so we all planned to meet up there that afternoon. Kipper had a 3 hour ride scheduled on the CompuTrainer at Trident so I packed some snacks and my iPad to tag along so we could go to the Expo afterwards.  The roads were bad and had not melted nearly as much as I had hoped.

By the time we finally made it to the Expo the parking lot was like an ice skating rink and lines were longer than I have ever seen them. Some people waited up to an hour to get their packets! I felt so bad for the volunteers and staff. While most people where very kind some were down right rude, especially on social media. As someone who used to plan outdoor events for 10,000-15,000 people (that typically fell during hurricane season with crazy thunderstorms) I knew exactly what they were going through. I always try to thank volunteers and race workers, but this year I made a point to be overly appreciative to them.

Late that afternoon they canceled the Full and Ultra Marathons, but the Half Marathon was still a go with a later start time. Given that the back half of the Full and Ultra courses were on many less traveled residential streets and the trails, this call made plenty of sense. They could focus on clearing the major roads and those runners were invited to run the Half if they wanted. AJ and I still planned to run, but poor Jen was stuck in her neighborhood due to ice. As the evening went on friends started withdrawing left and right. I was in full blown panic.  They had crews who would be working through the night to make the roads ready and given some photos being posted on the Facebook page, they had a lot of work to do!  At that point I had given up on the idea of my PR race and decided I would make the final call if I would run once I got there in the morning. Needless to say, I didn't sleep very well that night.

Come Sunday morning Kipper started to feel really uneasy about me running. The roads going to pick up AJ were still bad. After he dropped us off at the Start Line he drove to look at some of the course. The bridges were still really icy and at this point I could tell he didn't want me to run. I started to call it but AJ and Tim helped talk me into it. For the first time ever I was excited to be in the last corral because there would be at least 45 minutes of people running in front of me, helping clear the roads more. I promised Kipper that I would check in with him every few miles and if I got to a place where I felt unsafe I would call him to come get me.

AJ and I headed out to get in our corral. At this point our goal was to not freeze to death, finish and just have fun. On a side note the new corral system is awesome! I felt much more relaxed getting ready to start, which says a lot given the situation.  One last photo at the start line and we were off.

The first mile was great. While the roads still had quite a bit of slush if you followed the tire tracks they were clear. I suddenly felt much better...until I hit the park. The road in front of the Duck Pond was terrible. Taking my time I made sure to watch every step and didn't try to get out of the tire tracks to pass anyone. I'm pretty sure I held my breath until I got to 7th Street!

I checked in with Kipper after Mile 2 and was making crazy good time. I could tell he was still a little nervous so I decided not to fill him in on the Duck Pond experience. lol. At this point I started to settle into my pace and just ran. I saw several friends along the way and was just enjoying myself. Along the way Kipper texted me that I was tracking to set a PR but I tried not to get my hopes up because it was still early on.

Around Mile 7 I finally got to see Kipper which is always boost. It was also at this point (my lucky number 7 seems to be paying off for me this year) I realized that the race I had planned for was still possible. Instead of playing mind games with myself, at that moment I committed - I was going to do what I had trained for and I was going to get my Half Marathon PR. I put on my favorite Chris Tomlin song (yes, one song on repeat) and dug in.

Over the next few miles I was so focused on the words of my music I don't remember all the little details I normally do. I do remember being happy to see Katy at the top of the Main Street bridge and running into my co-worker Phillip as I came into downtown. And somewhere right after that my left butt check got so cold I thought maybe my pants ripped. Seriously. Then I freaked out that I could have peed on myself and it had frozen. I am happy to announce neither of those things happened...I was just really freaking cold and wet!!

Coming into Mile 12 my left leg started to hurt. I was so worried about re-injuring my right ankle I know I must have over compensated with my left leg because this had never happened before. A few times I had to stop for just a second to shake it out/stretch it a little so I could turn it on when I rounded the corner to the finish.  As I was coming into Will Rogers I knew I had my PR in the bag. When I saw my coach, Monica, I knew I was soooo close to my Sub 3 race I just couldn't let up.

As bad as my leg was hurting a mile before, it all suddenly went away as I ran that last stretch to the finish line. As I got a little closer I was finally able to make out the time on the clock and I knew. At that point I didn't even try to fight back the tears.

By the grace of God I crossed the finish line at 2:58:55. A Sub 3 race and a 22 minute PR!!  And to think just a few hours earlier I nearly gave into my fears and backed out of the whole thing. (to my credit it was mainly the fear of re-injuring myself but still) 

I will never forget crossing that finish line and seeing Kipper just off to the side. Walking over to him I was bawling and I call could say was "I did it! I did it!" And he keep asking "What did you do?" and laughing. He knew I had set a PR but he wasn't sure if I had made it under the 3 hour mark.  He was maybe as giddy as I was. And I will never forgot the look on his face when he showed me the text message with my official time.

Needless to say, I am incredibly blessed with a super supportive husband. I love that we both support each others races and find so much joy in seeing each other succeed. I assumed that Kipper would have been taking photos all day, like I normally do for him. When I asked him to send me photos from today he also sent me a picture of his pancakes from when he was waiting for me so I could have "a full scope of today's events!" So I have no picture with him, my coach or my mom, but I do have this. I think this is an "area of opportunity" for him as a Sherpa. Lol.

Even though I have been running for nearly 4 years it feels new again.  This is my journey. Reaching this milestone is only the beginning. I know there will be moments where it harder than others. I know there will be moments I will doubt myself. Heck it is hard not to sometimes compare myself to our list of friends who are super fast.  I might never be able to get to where they are and that is completely okay.

In closing I want to say thank you to the those who believed in me before I believed in myself. You gently nudged me (or in some cases gave be a big shove) to push past my comfort zone. You are there to hold my hand when I need support to make the next step. You listen when I hit a wall and you are there to celebrate when I break through it. It takes a village and I couldn't have done it without you.  Cheers to more adventures!

Goodbye Comfort Zone: 1 Month Later

When I wrote New Year, New Me?!?! and laid it all out there, I was terrified. Yet the fact that I did put everything out there has sort of helped motivate and ground me a bit. It has been just over a month since since I started facing my fears, forcing myself out of my comfort zone and making some big changes in my life. And man have there been some changes. 

1. Tracking my food. This was, I think, one of the biggest fears I have had to face. To date I have tracked every bite that has entered by mouth for the last 32 days in My Fitness Pal. This is a record for me. Even when I did Weight Watchers several years ago I always took a day (sometimes more) off each week where I didn't track. And you know what? It hasn't been that bad. I tend to eat a lot of the same things during the week so that makes it easy. Eating out still stresses me a little bit so I try to look at the menu ahead of time and pre-plan. This helps me from panicking and it makes sure I don't 30 minutes trying to figure out what I want to eat. Still working on my anxiety there.  Now when I say it hasn't been that bad, I would be lying if I didn't admit that there have been a few low moments. Thankfully most of them have just been panic over what to order at a non-chain restaurant where I can find no nutrition info online. The lowest moment - and it was LOW -  I hurled a half eaten sandwich across the kitchen.  Then cried because I didn't know how many calories I should enter for the little bit I had eaten. (I'm claiming PMS. Just go with it.) Thankfully after the fact both Kipper and I were able to laugh at how ridiculous it was because at the moment neither of us were laughing. 

2. Eating enough. I mentioned before that Kipper thought I wasn't eating enough. Through tracking my calories it became clear that on days I worked out I wasn't getting close to enough calories in. One week I had a 5,000 calorie deficit. Two weeks ago I finally went and had a Resting Metabolic Rate (RMR) test done.  The test gives you some fascinating results and information. The biggest for me was that for my age, weight and sex I actually have a very fast metabolism. And shocker, I wasn't eating enough! To lose weight I should be eating between 2000-2400 calories a day!! Panic set in when I started to apply this information, but I have stuck with it. Some days I feel like I have had to force myself to eat a snack to get to the right calorie point by mid-day. With that said my body is adjusting and now reminds me when I miss my mid-morning snack. If you are trying to lose weight and feel stuck, I highly suggest you have a RMR test done.  

3. Hiring a coach. When Kipper started training for his Ironman 70.3 he hired a coach. He has been dropping hints for sometime that we should look into a coach for me. And while I agreed I would do that if I ever did another full marathon, I wasn't interested in taking on an additional monthly cost that comes with hiring a coach until then. After a little coaxing I agreed to meet with Monica, one of the coaches at Trident. A week later I was an official member of Trident and was getting planned workouts. When I got my first week's schedule I panicked a bit. I sent Kipper a text, simply saying  "Shit just got real!!" His response? "Welcome to Trident!" Fast forward three weeks and I am thankful I took the plunge. I can already tell a difference in my running. Plus the accountability to my coach (and my checkbook) has been huge. Kipper played his cards really well in getting me here. He knows I am cheap and a people pleaser. Therefore he knew if I did this it would be a potential game changer for me. Well played Mr. Martin, well played.

4. Seeing results.  To make things more exciting I am seeing results. I can already tell a difference in so many ways: my running times/recovery, the way my clothes (and shoes!) fit, the way I feel and even on the scale. While I am trying to not focus on the scale, learning be healthy about the number it shows is a huge part of this journey. The first two weeks I lost a few pounds but nothing significant, but in the two weeks following my RMR test I have lost nearly 9 pounds! (see why I said you need to do it!!!) I am down a total of 13 pounds in the last month but most of all I feel great. Including my bum ankle, which is awesome! I have my first race of 2015 this weekend - Hot Chocolate 15k. While I am not pumped about driving to Dallas early on a Saturday morning, I am super excited to see how it goes. Good or bad there will be chocolate and that is enough for me. 

4. The downfall.  If you know me, you know I am NOT a domestic goddess when it comes to laundry and dishes. Mr. Martin on the other hand is a tad OCD about them. The amount of water bottles and work out clothes that I washed leading up to Kipper's first Ironman 70.3 nearly drove me to the nut house. Well he is training for another 70.3 and add in my workout gear, water bottles and containers from meal prep you can only imagine. I have officially come to terms with the fact we will never be caught up and he will always OCD over the unwashed/unfolded/un put away workout clothes and water bottles. If that is the biggest downfall I can totally live with that! 

Moving forward I know that there will plateaus and rough patches, maybe even setbacks. You don't overcome years of unhealthy thinking and habits in a single month. But I am going to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone and digging deep to prove to myself just how crazy that old me really was. 

In the coming months I want to challenge you. Pick something in your life that you want to work on or try. Pick something that scares the crap out of you. Maybe something you have dreamed about but have put off more times that you can recall. Then make a promise to yourself to start facing your fears and see what happens. Find a friend or a mentor who can support you and hold you accountable. Be open with others about your goals. And take it one step at a time. I am not saying it won't be scary. It will be hard and at times uncomfortable. After the last 3 years what I can say without a doubt is if you commit to yourself, it will be is amazing and life changing. 

New Year, New Me?!?!

*Disclaimer: This has been the hardest post of my life to put out there. I have sat on it for over a week trying to decide if I really want to go through with this. It is really long, a little rambling and should have been split out into 2 parts. Yet I was afraid I would chicken out and never post the second half. So grab cup coffee and get settled in. I will be the girl over in the corner hyperventilating in a paper bag because I finally had the courage to share something I have been trying to do for almost 2 years. Cheers!

Happy New Year!!  2014 was an epic year for the Martin family. Both Kipper and I set out to accomplish goals that just a year before we could have never dreamed of.  Along the way to achieving those goals we made new friends, grew closer to old friends, celebrated 10 years of wedded bliss, did more laundry and dishes than I care to recall (damn water bottles) and learned more about ourselves than we ever imagined.  As we welcome the start of another year it is time to set new goals and put forth a plan to achieve them.  A new year, a new me…right?!?!

Sort of, but not exactly.

At one time I was REALLY big on New Year’s resolutions. I would spend so much time coming up with big goals and ideas of things I wanted to accomplish for the entire year.  And while a few bits and pieces would happen, the majority always fell to the wayside and made me feel like a failure.  My New Year’s resolutions were just another example of me trying to map my life out 365 days in advance and never planning how I would adjust when life threw me a curveball.  And life always throws you a curveball (or five!)

Over the last two years I have done away with what I traditionally called New Year’s resolutions and focused more on attainable long term goals, reevaluating things every few months.  I think Kipper said it best – there is nothing magical about January 1st!  (Other than getting to use a new calendar; which is kind of magical if you are dorky like me!)  If you have a goal or a dream you can start on a random Tuesday in March or a Friday in September.  And if you get off track, all you need to do is wake up and start again. Every day is a chance to start anew.

Life is about growth.  I truly believe you must continue to grow and develop all areas of your life in order to fully live life the way God intended us to.  Sometimes that means pushing past your comfort zones.  Breaking down walls and allowing yourself to be more vulnerable in the eyes of others.  It is an ongoing journey and it can be so scary, yet so incredibly freeing. 

When I started my blog, my goal was to focus on craft and dyi projects, with the occasional post about my personal life.  I didn’t realize it then, but looking back I realize my blog was away for me to escape from issues I didn’t want to deal with at that time.  I quickly found that I was writing more personal posts than anything, although the majority of them remained up published.  I slowly started posting more of them, but was still extremely guarded. 

In 2013 I made a promise to myself that I would be more transparent in my blogging and I began to open up about my struggle with depression, ADHD and infertility.  In 2014 while my blogging was limited, I shared some of my rawest, most honest posts ever.  Sometimes I still can’t believe I ever hit publish on them, but in the end I am so thankful I did. 

Every time I took a leap of faith and put my heart out there, I was blown away by the response.  The amount of love and support I have received, from places I would have never imagined, has been amazing! I was always so concerned about how others would judge me and I am sure there are some who have. Yet through this experience I have found a support system that I would have never had.  I have connected with others in a way that would have never happened in our casual friendship and have been blessed to have been a very small part of helping a few other women start their journey breaking down their own walls.  

Because of the promise I made to myself in 2013 and the small chance this might help someone else, I have finally decided to open up about the issue that scares me the most and plays a huge part of my battle with depression – my weight and self-image issues. I have written countless posts on this topic, but I have never been brave enough to share.  Today - in the spirit of the New Year - that changes.  

Long story short, I have had a long, extremely unhealthy relationship with food and my weight.  For years my thoughts were consumed with calories, dress sizes and weight. I measured my worth in numbers and even at a size 2/4 and 120 pounds I wasn't truly happy.   

Anytime something didn't work out, in my mind, it was always because I was fat. Seriously.  Broke up with my boyfriend – I was too fat. Didn't get the part in a play I wanted – too fat. Didn't make the grade I expected on a test – you guessed it, too fat!  It never crossed my mind that things don’t always go your way or that maybe if I wasn't so preoccupied with what size my new jeans were and spent more time studying I MIGHT have done better on that test.  

In my 20’s I found some relief from this thanks to antidepressants but at the cost of gaining weight.  I came to a point that I just stopped caring about my nutrition or working out, literally doing everything I could not to think about it. Yet I hadn't actually fixed anything, only band aided it and I still thought about it often. It took me several years to realize that. 

A little over 3 years ago, after the hardest year of my life, I had gained a considerable amount of weight – 40 pounds to be exact.  I was miserable.  By the grace of God I decided to start running with Kipper. My original motivation was weight loss. Only I had no idea how this decision to run would change my life so many other ways.  At the heaviest I had ever been, I signed up and completed a Warrior Dash mud run.

Over the next year I kept running and worked extremely hard to get myself off Prozac and Adderall. It took almost a year but I was able to get off all my meds and was feeling better than I had in ages. I lost a little weight, just not as much as I had hoped. Yet I kept running and setting new goals. Somewhere along the way the goals stopped being only weight related and became endurance and health related.

Fast-forward to 2014. Training for and running a full marathon and watching Kipper complete an Ironman 70.3 changed everything.  For the first time it all clicked. My imperfect body had carried me through the hardest and most epic challenge I could imagine.  I had wasted so much of my life consumed with my weight and being smaller.  When I was 120 pounds, I couldn't run more than maybe a mile. Yet there I was at 240 pounds and I had run a marathon.  It actually makes me more proud of myself knowing that I had the courage at this weight to start and finish something that only 1% of population attempts.  (Now excuse me while a freak out that I just shared my weight with the entire world…something up until now only my husband and doctors have known!)

As I move forward in my journey I know that while I am completely healthy now, my weight can’t stay here because there will come a day it will affect me. I also know that dropping some weight will make a huge difference in my running.  Kipper has long thought that part of my issue is on most days I don’t eat enough or I have a major splurges and am way over. I don't have a happy medium. My body is all out of whack and confused.  And while I have agreed with him for some time I have no evidence to support that theory because tracking my food terrifies me.  It gives me great anxiety and takes me back to a former version of myself that I never want to be again.  I will track here and there but as soon as I start to panic, I stop.

I am finally in a place that I am ready to tackle that fear and anxiety once and for all.  I know it is going to be tough. It is going to force me to face demons I have tried to bury for far too long. But I’m not the girl I once was. Food isn't my enemy or a substitute for a therapist. Even though I struggle some days, a number on a scale doesn't define me.  Somehow surviving the first week of tracking my food without any freak outs has reconfirmed all of this.  

Moving forward I have promised myself I will continue to share this part of my journey. It terrifies me. It is the wall that I have never let many past, but it is time. I am so thankful that I have an incredibly supportive husband and that God has placed a handful of people in my life over the last few years that have given me new perspective and helped get me to this point. 

Merry Christmas from the Martin Family!